Electric eel

Electric eel

The electric eel is yet another animal with a misleading name. It is not a true eel; they are all Amish in fact. The electric eel is more closely related to the knifefish (which is itself most closely related to cutlery). So what kind of creature are we dealing with that is just two degrees from silverware and calls itself an eel without raising the requisite barns? As it turns out, a surprisingly powerful, not so surprisingly shady wizard.

Special powers

This one should be obvious. It generates and directs electricity. Of course, this raises an important question: what is electricity?

lightning

Is it a monster?

Well, allow me to explain. Electricity is a savage, unspecific kind of magic. Other kinds can perform complex tasks such as time travel or turning regular hats into top hats.* Electricity is only good for a few things:

  • The harm of humans & animals
  • The operation of machines
  • The pleasure of Nicola Tesla
  • Dalek food
  • Rarely, the bestowal of superpowers

Many know that Benjamin Franklin was the first wizard to accidentally harness electricity. Though he is now remembered for the other positions he held, he was at the time focused on being the greatest kite fighter in the colonies. A key battle of the Revolution was decided by two representatives engaging in a kite duel, with Franklin standing for America against the Kite Baron Reginald Faulkner. Franklin was so traumatized after killing Faulkner that he retired from kite fighting and devoted himself full-time to sleeping with French women.

In the year 1750, however, none of that had happened. Franklin was still happily flying kites equipped with his trademark key-blades. One stormy night, lightning struck his kite – and consequently, him. This of course gave him superpowers (see also Barry Allen, Billy Batson, Albert Einstein**). Specifically, the power to commune with marine life (see also Blade the vampire-slayer). With this, he was able to learn the secrets of electricity from a loose-lipped eel.

Weaknesses

The electric eel suffers from a terminal case of loose lips.

Number of legs

Not even one.

Professions

Like Benjamin Franklin, the electric eel has held many jobs. These include disastrous runs as dishwasher, human resources representative, and pharmacy technician as well as more successful stints as insurance claims adjuster and Miami area bounty hunter. It is a restless beast; it’s only a matter of time before it switches things up again.

Cinematic connections

Because of its physical similarities, the electric eel once spent a number of weeks living among the aforementioned true eels as a way of staying safe in the wake of a murder it witnessed. It sold a screenplay of its experience in Hollywood, and it eventually became the Harrison Ford vehicle called – you guessed it – K-19: The Widowmaker.

Electric eel

Pictured: Harrison Ford

What if it fought a bear?

The electric eel has a good chance of electrocuting it to death. Or possibly until the bear is given superpowers.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The electric eel is a shiftless, irresponsible creature who does not take seriously its great powers. However, were it not for this animal, we would not have modern conveniences like toasters and 2-XL.

2-XL

Legacy of the eel-Franklin friendship.

 

5.5/10

 

 

 

*Some very powerful magics can even go the other way!

**Hence the hair.

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6 thoughts on “Electric eel

  1. Charlene says:

    Considering that I’m reading and subsequently typing this out while there’s currently a tornado warning in effect, the subjet of the electric eel seems eerily pertinent.

  2. Adam says:

    A new high. Please never stop.

  3. nscranor says:

    Adam: Thanks!

    Charlene: I like to stay relevant.

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