Desert tortoise

Desert tortoise

You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

…All right, now that the spambots are gone, let’s talk desert tortoise. You know turtles, right? And you know deserts? Very good. Well, marry those concepts and you basically get the desert tortoise.

Desert tortoise

No, it’s not made of sand.

Special powers

The desert tortoise constantly carries a defensive shell (see Fashion sense).

It is smart (see Weaknesses).


The desert tortoise is famously slow. Not mentally, mind you. The tortoise’s brain is still sharp thanks to its regular use of crosswords and other kinds of puzzles and games. In fact, it is thought to be good enough to be a grandmaster of chess, but it has never made it out to a high-level competitive event to prove it.

Its body, though. That thing moves like molasses over peanut butter. What I’m trying to say here is the desert tortoise is sticky.

Number of legs


Wikipedia article status

The neutrality of the desert tortoise article is disputed.

Fashion sense

The desert tortoise, like all tortoises and turtles, is a never-nude. It wears its shell at all times – even in the shower.* Cartoons would like you to think that the desert tortoise stores an entire studio apartment’s worth of belongings in there, but this is a lie. There is only room for one accent lamp and a small sectional.

What if it fought a bear?

Two hops and the desert tortoise is dispatched. Three if it has wings.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The desert tortoise, due to its long life and its voyage to the reaches of space between 1908 and 1981, has seen things you wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Roy Batty

Time to die.






*Just kidding. It takes baths.

Tagged , , , , ,

4 thoughts on “Desert tortoise

  1. Charlene says:

    Damn, I knew tortoises were sticky. Are you also insinuating they are delicious to eat like molasses over peanut butter?

    PS: Love the Tobias Funke reference, but who wouldn’t?
    PPS: Bears, that’s who.
    PPPS: OMG what would happen if you featured a bear? Mind explosion.

  2. Adam says:

    So. Good.

  3. […] the former meaning, the honey badger will take on bees, snakes – regardless of size or venom – tortoises, human dictators, hyenas or even the hippo. It’s not that the honey badger has something to […]

Comments are closed.