“His eye is on the sparrow,” goes the old hymn. “His” of course refers to God. God is watching you, sparrow.


A little like this, but good instead of evil.

He’s watching you closely, and so am I. It’s the Holy Father’s place to judge, but it is my place to rate. So let’s get to it.

Special powers

The sparrow is a very standard issue bird. It doesn’t have much going for it specifically, but it does enjoy the privileges that all birds do. These include flight and an immunity to meteors.

“Whaaat!” you may scream indignantly. “Birds are immune to meteors? How do you figure?”

One answer is that I figure with a series of oversized wall-mounted abacuses, which I had installed in my home in order to spite Texas Instruments. We’ve since resolved our differences, but it seems a waste not to use the abacuses now that I have them.

Another answer has to do with the notion that the bird is the descendents of the dinosaur. As we all know, the dinosaur was wiped out by a meteor. Why? The dinosaur had constructed a giant gold ball of twine as a monument to its own greatness (as if naming itself things like “thunder-lizard” wasn’t self-aggrandizing enough). The hubris of the dinosaur was an abomination in God’s sight.*

If we apply the principles of natural selection and logic to this scenario, we can see that the bird must be descended from the survivors of this disaster, and that it must carry the gene for meteor-invulnerability. Q.E.D.


The sparrow’s bones are completely hollow; there’s not even vanilla cream in there.

Number of legs


Musical inclination

The sparrow is one of a number of birds known for its appreciation for music, something sadly rare in the animal kingdom. The sparrow’s favorite artists are Dean Martin, doo-wop period Billy Joel, Phil Collins-era Genesis, and DANGERDOOM.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Yes. In China’s Great Leap Forward in the late 1950s and early 1960s, the government instituted a campaign suggesting to the populace that, hey, maybe snap a few sparrow necks. The Four Pests Campaign targeted the sparrow, the rat, the fly, and the poodle.**

Four Pests Campaign Poster

At last, the David of human civilization stood up to the bullying Goliath of smallish songbirds.

Propaganda encouraged citizens to murder these four creatures on sight and present the scalps to government representatives in exchange for payment. This system, though abhorrent, did serve as a model for Western recycling practices.

What if it fought a bear?

This thing is immune to meteors. You think a bear is going to give it any trouble?

Is it noble?


Final rating

I don’t totally trust birds, and this isn’t a particularly remarkable one.

However, I alluded earlier to the fact that I wish more animals appreciated music, so I have to give the sparrow points for its chirpy little ditties. This is the animal most likely to join me in a performance of The Longest Time, and I think that says something about it.





*The people of middle America have failed to learn the lessons of prehistory. The Great Plains is preserved only through their inability to build as grandly as the dinosaur.

**The poodle was not particularly pest-like, but Chairman Mao considered it to be inherently against everything he stood for. When the phrase “capitalist dog” is used, the poodle is understood to be the dog. Mao hated the poodle. Oh how he hated the poodle.

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2 thoughts on “Sparrow

  1. Adam says:

    I’m that voice you’re hearing in the hall,
    And the greatest miracle of all
    Is how I need you
    And how you needed me tooooo

  2. […] Poodle: The poodle is banned from China for life. […]

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