Toad/frog

Toad/Frog

Did you know that scientists do not believe that there is a hard and fast distinction between the toad and the frog? This is playing perfectly into their confidence schemes, which frequently require them to play the same person in multiple locations at the same time. This gambit is known in grifter circles as the Reverse Mrs. Doubtfire. This scam has been notably mastered in numerous variations by the Olsen and Lohan twins.

I Know Who Killed Me

“I Know Who Killed Me” has been called the “Parent Trap” of film.

Special powers

The toad exudes toxins through its many warts, which can cause its enemies to hallucinate (whereupon the toad escapes its disoriented predator), paralysis, or even allergies to wheat.

Nobody believes me, but I swear to you the frog can sing and dance in the grand tradition of American musicals. I’m telling you; he was just doing it before you came in.

Weaknesses

The toad has a crippling weakness to being run over by automobiles, as depicted in the popular arcade game Q*bert.

The frog is hopelessly (and because of a long-running advertising campaign, ironically) addicted to Keystone Ice.

Number of legs

Four.

Where are their vocal sacs?

Neither frog nor toad has external vocal sacs. As a result, both sound like they are mumbling to themselves and do very poorly as stage actors.

toad

Speak up, son.

Explosive properties

The toad is one of the few animals with a built-in self-destruct mechanism. If sufficiently threatened, it will build up gases within itself, then release a hidden flap in a particular wart, the location of which I will not reveal here because of my ongoing blackmail efforts against the toad. At any rate, the addition of oxygen to the mixture triggers a powerful explosion.

The frog must be exploded through traditional means.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No on both.

What if it fought a bear?

The toad and frog are not big on direct confrontation. They are cowardly, slimy* con men. However, the toad could blow up in the bear’s face in an act of mutually assured destruction.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The frog and toad are scoundrels, and not in the cool way that eleven-fingered thief Danny Ocean is.

Danny Ocean

“Guess how many toes I have! The answer is surprisingly low!”

I must, however, give them due credit for their mastery of Tin Pan Alley standards and inducing others to trip balls, respectively.

 

6.5

 

 

 

*Not intended as a slur against amphibians.

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3 thoughts on “Toad/frog

  1. […] frog belongs in the water and its surrounding land. One of the many places it does not belong is a tree. […]

  2. Can you please tell me who owns the toad photo?

  3. Hello-

    Can you please tell me who owns the toad photo?

    Please reply to aldacar1@att.net

    Thank you,

    Alan

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