When one thinks of standard lizards, it is not long before one comes to the iguana.
It arrived so much sooner than I expected. I expected it soon. Just not that soon.
Anyway, the iguana embodies pretty much everything that one associates with lizards as a group, and adds a lot of weird bumps into the mix.
Like the brine shrimp, the iguana also boasts a psychic third eye. Its psychic powers, however, are typically more telekinetic in nature. The iguana can move rocks of middling size, sticks, children’s clothing, Magic-brand eight-balls, etcetera.*
The iguana has a dewlap, which is a nice way of saying it’s fat.
Number of legs
Some people keep iguanas as pets. The iguana mostly falls in line, but it doesn’t really do anything. It is also a little off-beat via not being a cat or a dog, so you have to explain why you went with it of all things. And to take this category more literally, how much joy can you really get from petting it?
I don’t ask these questions to cast aspersions on you, potential iguana-owner. I ask them because they are the very questions you need to ask yourself before you commit to being the iguana guy.
Notable Iguana Guys
- Johnny Depp (actor)
- Martin van Buren (president)
- Bret Michaels (musician)
- Hugo Chavez (performance artist)
- Nicola Tesla (inventor)
- David Bowie (Nicola Tesla)
- Jeff Daniels (designer of The Grid)
- Bad “Port of Call New Orleans” Lieutenant (lieutenant)
What if it fought a bear?
The bear would eat a big chunk of iguana and immediately regret it. Because: gross.
Is it noble?
Okay, now I will cast aspersions on you, iguana-owner.**
*Despite what certain Muppets will assert about telekinesis, size matter does.
**Except you, David Bowie. We’ll always be friends.