Iguana

Iguana

When one thinks of standard lizards, it is not long before one comes to the iguana.

iguana

Oh man, it’s here already.

It arrived so much sooner than I expected. I expected it soon. Just not that soon.

Anyway, the iguana embodies pretty much everything that one associates with lizards as a group, and adds a lot of weird bumps into the mix.

Special powers

Like the brine shrimp, the iguana also boasts a psychic third eye. Its psychic powers, however, are typically more telekinetic in nature. The iguana can move rocks of middling size, sticks, children’s clothing, Magic-brand eight-balls, etcetera.*

Weaknesses

The iguana has a dewlap, which is a nice way of saying it’s fat.

Number of legs

Four.

Petability

Some people keep iguanas as pets. The iguana mostly falls in line, but it doesn’t really do anything. It is also a little off-beat via not being a cat or a dog, so you have to explain why you went with it of all things. And to take this category more literally, how much joy can you really get from petting it?

I don’t ask these questions to cast aspersions on you, potential iguana-owner. I ask them because they are the very questions you need to ask yourself before you commit to being the iguana guy.

Notable Iguana Guys

  • Johnny Depp (actor)
  • Martin van Buren (president)
  • Bret Michaels (musician)
  • Hugo Chavez (performance artist)
  • Nicola Tesla (inventor)
  • David Bowie (Nicola Tesla)
  • Jeff Daniels (designer of The Grid)
  • Bad “Port of Call New Orleans” Lieutenant (lieutenant)

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would eat a big chunk of iguana and immediately regret it. Because: gross.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Okay, now I will cast aspersions on you, iguana-owner.**

 

4.5/10

 

 

*Despite what certain Muppets will assert about telekinesis, size matter does.

**Except you, David Bowie. We’ll always be friends.

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2 thoughts on “Iguana

  1. iguanas says:

    Hey There Rateeveryanimal,
    Thanks you for your post, Iguanas use their houses for significantly more than just shelter. It is extremely important that his dwelling delivers the appropriate defense but also the suitable heat for his well staying. Contrary to the pet or other mammals, iguanas has to have a clearly preserved climate in purchase to keep strong.
    Great Job!

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