(Note: Sorry this is going up late. I started a new job and I’m BLAH BLAH EXCUSES.)

Do you want to like llamas, but find them too intense? Well, I have good news for you, you pansy: the alpaca is here. The llama is already a poor man’s camel, and the alpaca is an entry-level llama.

Besides being dumbed down and simplified for the masses, the alpaca is a smug beast.


Just look at this self-righteous jerk.

It is probably so smug because it knows that, unlike many farm animals and temps, it is not slaughtered for its meat.

Special powers

Many animals have the filthy habit of spitting, but the alpaca is one of the few to turn it into a weapon. Given its undeserved sense of superiority, it deems many targets worth spitting on.

That’s about all it can do.


The alpaca is hopelessly addicted to sour mash whiskey. This has an effect on the qualities of its spit, so alcoholics should avoid the alpaca.

Number of legs



The alpaca is not kept around for its personality, though. Its wool has been found to be very useful in the production of various clothing items, blankets, and – in one documented case – a knit replica of a Daft Punk helmet.

Shaved alpaca

This atrocity had to happen…

Daft Punk

…so this could be made.

Market value

The alpaca market suffered from a massive crash in late 2006. Experts disagree about the exact cause of the crash, but the most widely accepted explanations are unsustainable speculation and the impact of Iraqi government change.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would knock the smarm right off its face.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The alpaca is a third-rate beast. Anything it does, every other camelid does better – with the notable exception of potentially helmet-producing wool. For that, it gets a couple points.



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