Honey badger

Honey badger

(This is my first request post. If you have an animal you’d like to see rated, comment the blog or tweet me @nscranor or send me a missive by Pony Express. I’ll try to work it in maybe.)

Look, let’s get one thing straight. The honey badger is hard. I mean this in the sense of “tough,” but I also mean it in that the honey badger is made largely of dark matter. Its surface is cool and frictionless.

As to the former meaning, the honey badger will take on bees, snakes – regardless of size or venom – tortoises, human dictators, hyenas or even the hippo. It’s not that the honey badger has something to prove; it just wants what it wants and will stone cold murder anyone at all that may be an obstacle.

Special powers

The honey badger is a defensive powerhouse. It is super-dense and nearly impervious. It also boasts some pretty decent claws.

Weaknesses

There are only a few accessible joints in the honey badger’s armor-flesh, and only the one at its neck is large enough to be conveniently exploited. If you want to kill the honey badger, you better bring a shotgun and you better be ready to use it at close range.

Omar

“You come at the king, you best not miss.”

Number of legs

Four.

Impact on history

The honey badger assassinated Saddam Hussein in his cell. Rather than admit inability to protect their most valuable prisoner, the interim Iraqi government hanged a convincing life-size doll.

Horrifying Wikipedia quotes

“The honey badger possesses an anal pouch which, unusually among mustelids, is reversible, a trait shared with hyenas. The smell of the pouch is reportedly ‘suffocating’”

“When mating, males emit loud grunting sounds.[4]

Is it noble?

No.

What if it fought a bear?

The honey badger would just lie down, scrunch up its neck, and wait it out. Heck, while the bear attacks it, the honey badger might just straight up take a nap.

Final rating

Look, nothing we can say about the honey badger is going to change anything. The honey badger does what it does and nothing can stop it.

9/10

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