Mitten crab

Mitten crab

The mitten crab, also known as the big sluice crab, also known as the Shanghai hairy crab, also known as the Bangkok Slurpee crab, also known as the coarse dike crab, also known as the Jersey nipple surprise crab, also known as Big Larry, is one of humanity’s most delicious menaces.

It hails from Asia, but by hitching rides on nuclear submarines, the mitten crab has not only spread to four more populated continents, it has arrived at those continents with atomic power in its veins.

Mitten crab

A radioactive death machine.

Special powers

The mitten crab is not made sick by pollution like most creatures, but instead becomes stronger through exposure to it. The mitten crab is often found ingesting heavy metals and poisons so that its strength, speed and senses will ever increase. For this reason it is known as the Oriental cancer crab (this name is considered offensive in civilized circles) and considered a foe of Captain Planet.

Captain Planet

“I hate you, mitten crab.”


In an unclean environment, the mitten crab is theoretically invulnerable. If trapped in a sterile environment, however, it can be seen in its weakest state. In this form, the mitten crab’s claws are nothing but flimsy yarn.

Number of legs

Eight, plus two mittens/claws.


Even though the mitten crab absorbs countless venoms and pollutants in order to better wage its war on humanity, its meat is sweet and safe to eat. In this way, the mitten crab may ironically be an ally in our bid to transform hazardous materials into clean surf-and-turf specials.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Recently, China introduced vending machines to sell this species of crab in the subways.[14] The crabs are stored at 5 degrees Celsius, which induces a sleepy state of hibernation. The prices of the crabs range from around $1.50 to $7.00 (USD).[15] They are guaranteed to be fresh and alive.”

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No, but I do own mittens based on it.

What if it fought a bear?

This obviously depends how much poison the mitten crab has absorbed. A mitten crab at full toxicity can tear a bear in half. A clean mitten crab can and will fit comfortably within a bear’s mouth.

Is it noble?

Yes. Only through our own foolishness have we made the mitten crab an enemy.

Final rating

The fact that we have made the mitten crab into a monster is not its fault. This is one of the greatest tragedies to come from pollution. Besides, as nuclear monsters go, the mitten crab is an honorable – and frankly, pretty cool – nuclear monster.



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  1. […] groundhog, like the mitten crab, is an animal of many names. These include woodchuck, land-beaver, whistle-pig, kazoo-rat, […]

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