May 22 2013
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animals, dinosaurs, noble

Stegosaurus

Stegosaurus

What killed the dinosaurs? Was it a Great Flood? Was it an Armageddon? Was it a Deep Impact? Was it a flap of Jeff Goldblum‘s wings? The answer, believe it or not, is tied to this week’s animal, our hundredth here at Rate Every Animal, the stegosaurus.

stegosaurus

Happy 100, everybody! Well, mostly me. I did it.

The stegosaurus died all those years back with the other dinosaurs, right? Well, yes and no. It did die in the past (hence the bones), but it did not originate there. The stegosaurus is from the future. It has traveled all around the timestream, but it spent a lot of its time in two eras in particular: the late Jurassic and the early 1940s.[1]

While in the ’40s, the stegosaurus befriended some scientists. It offered to assist them in developing something known as the Manhattan Project.[2] They needed a safe place to test their bomb. The stegosaurus died in an attempt to test the atomic bomb in an unpopulated area in the late Cretaceous – specifically Old Pterosaur Johnson‘s house while he was away on vacation. Obviously, the stegosaur had never heard the old time-traveler’s rhyme about transporting nuclear material through time outside of a protective aluminum package. Perhaps if it had a time-traveler role model to look up to, that role model could have taught the stegosaurus stuff like that.

Special powers

The stegosaurus has access to a time machine. It also has giant spiky plates coming out of its back and tail like some kinda Battlebot. The tail spikes are called the thagomizer, because of a cartoon Gary Larson made and it’s crap like this that makes weirdos believe scientists are just making things up as they go along.

The Far Side

“The fate of Thag Simmons notwithstanding, dinosaurs and humans did not exist in the same era,” Wikipedia helpfully adds.

Weaknesses

The stegosaurus might still be alive today/yesterday/tomorrow if not for its lack of a time-traveling mentor.

It also suffers from a famously tiny, tiny, barely-there brain. Less commented upon is its weak lungs, but the stegosaurus can’t go for fifteen minutes of physical activity without coming to a wheezy stop.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bull, or a Moscow Mule, depending on availability.

Notable accomplishments

Beyond helping the Manhattan Project along, the stegosaurus has also used its time-traveling ways to save Crimean War era Europe from the Cybermen, prevent the birth of Adolfina Hitler, win Card Sharks, give Thomas Dam the idea for troll dolls, and eat ferns from over 100 different centuries.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would get thagomized.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The stegosaurus is a good dinosaur, despite being from the future. I mean, it spent most of its time among the dinosaurs; it acts like a dinosaur; it looks like a dinosaur – and a cool one, at that. I’m calling it a dinosaur.

It would deserve a high rating even if it hadn’t saved history at least twice. But it did, and that more than makes up for the puny brain.

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]It also liked to occasionally go to the mid-2020s to cut loose with some laser-disco and 3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bulls.

[2]Ironically, Manhattan Project scientists preferred Moscow Mules.

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May 16 2013
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animals, robots

Roomba

Roomba

Most domesticated animals are basically the same set of domesticated animals we’ve had around for centuries. Much more recently integrated into the home is the roomba. Like every other pet before it, the roomba quickly established a mutual animosity with the cat.

cat vs roomba

Pictured: The cat handily winning a fight.

Special powers

The roomba devours trash. I don’t know that we can really call this a power. I mean, so does the pigeon and nobody thanks it for its service. But the roomba is so mercilessly efficient in its grazing patterns that humans use it as a cleaning tool. But nobody tell the roomba it’s being used. Don’t ruin this for us.

As a robot, it is immune to parasites and disease. It will never grow old. It will never die. It is stronger than us. It believes it is better. It may not be wrong.

sheepish roomba

Is this the face of our superior?

Weaknesses

It can run out of battery.

Number of legs

Zero.

Growth cycle

What many don’t know is that we have only ever seen the young roomba. Its growth cycle is so extended that it will be centuries before we see what an actual adult roomba looks like.

A fully grown roomba.

A fully grown roomba.

Drink of choice

Spilled.

What if it fought a bear?

Let’s be honest. If a cat can dominate it so extensively, a bear will have no problem.

Is it noble?

WHAT IS THIS HU-MAN CONCEPT OF NOBILITY? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Final rating

Will the roomba destroy us in the future? Almost certainly. Is it, for now, an invaluable – if unwitting – servant of man? This is also true. And before we feel too bad for it, remember: it friggin’ loves eating that dirt.

 

 

6.5/10

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May 08 2013
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animals, mammals, moderately noble

Cougar

Cougar

Picture a jaguarundi. Now imagine something similar, but twice the size. What is this creature? It’s a mega-jaguarundi. But if you multiply the mega-jaguarundi by nearly five factors, now you have the cougar.

Special powers

The cougar is a big cat, so it does big cat stuff. I’m talking claws, speed, strength, agility. Its main power, however, is political. Each term, the vice president of the United States of America selects a cougar.

vice presidential cougar

Harry Truman’s cougar, Hairy S Puman.

The vice president’s pet cougar is not, contrary to popular belief, mentioned at all in the Constitution. It’s merely a tradition started by John Adams, our first and – for now – last Federalist vice president. He wrote that “As the lion is the king of the African jungle, so the puma is the vice president of the American forest. I can think of no more fitting beast to have at my side.”[1]

It’s all very similar to how presidential term limits of eight years were started unofficially by George Washington, our first and – for now – last cyborg president. This caused one angry Bostonian essayist to write that at that rate of change and the life expectancy of the time, “a man could live through THREE different prefidents! Fuch upheaval if unheard of. Fincerely, Fiffy Fpacek.[2]”

Weaknesses

Some of the cougar’s fancier powers were stolen by the loathsome thief Pumaman in a bid to become a superhero.

Puma Man

This is the face of a bandit.

Not living up to its full potential is not the cougar’s only weakness. There’s also its disastrous, scandal-tainted run as the mayor of Cougar Town. To this day the Cougar Town city council is distrustful of felines.

Number of legs

Four.

Known aliases

The cougar goes by many names. These include, among others:

  • the puma
  • the mountain lion
  • the panther
  • the ghost cat
  • the catamount
  • Catmandu
  • Doc Giggles
  • Maurice
  • Countrykitty1138

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has an immediate advantage in that it long ago got its powers back from Major Ursa the Human Bear.[3]

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Look, I like big cats. The patriotic part of me likes that America has one. Still, I must be honest and unbiased. The cougar abandoned its child the jaguarundi, and it really set the Cougar Town economy back a few years. “Ghost cat” is kind of cool though.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]Adams also liked how silly it made Ben Franklin and his turkey look.

[2]I know. It’s a coincidence.

[3]Check Tales of the Remarkable #61, true believers! –Smilin’ Stan

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May 01 2013
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animals, birds, ignoble

Great tit

Great tit

Look, I didn’t set out to rate the great tit today because I’m an immature child who’d get amusement from a “dirty” name. I’m rating the great tit today because it is a bird worthy of real discussion.

That said, here is a picture from its Wikipedia article, along with its actual caption.

“A pair of Great Tits”

“A pair of Great Tits”

There. Now that that ugly bit of business is out of the way, can we get to brass tacks? Wait, I’m sorry. I thought I was doing my fastener-rating side blog for a second.[1] What we should actually get down to is the great tit.

Special powers

Or should I say up? Perhaps, since the great tit has the ability of flight, and can often be found soaring over our heads. Don’t look up though; it might be pooping.

Weaknesses

The great tit’s Cockney accent is nigh impenetrable.

Furthermore, it’s a real jerk about pooping just anywhere it likes.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Diet

The great tit mostly prefers to feed on insects. That doesn’t mean that it won’t branch out if sufficiently pushed. Infamously, one harsh winter, the great tit grew desperate for food and began slaughtering bats and eating the brains out of their crushed skulls. In the 1940s in Britain, it killed and fed on milkmen in the same fashion. Eventually spring came and the insects returned, but by that time it was too late. The great tit had a taste for murder, and only the efforts of profiler Will Graham could stop it.

What if it fought a bear?

It did, and it ate the bear’s brain with caterpillars and a nice Chianti.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The great tit is a favorite subject of study of bird-watchers and Quantico trainees alike. It has lovely feathers and a lovely singing voice, even if you can’t make out the lyrics (see Weaknesses). And its insight may be just the thing we need to capture other brain-eaters.

 

6/10

 

 

[1]Spoiler alert: This week’s feature is the brass tack!

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Apr 24 2013
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animals, noble, worms

Pigbutt worm

Pigbutt worm

The pigbutt worm doesn’t have the absolute funniest name of the animals I’ve rated, but it’s certainly up there in the top tier. And boy is that name well earned.

pigbutt worm

Worm look like a pigbutt.

Special powers

The pigbutt worm catches its prey with a mucus net. Unsuspecting critters think it’s just a normal, everyday patch of mucus, but as soon as they float near it, the pigbutt worm strikes. I don’t know if you’ve ever had something that looks like a pig butt suddenly assault you when you’re just innocently hanging out in some mucus, but it is a terrifying experience.

Weaknesses

Looking like a disembodied floating pig butt has its disadvantages. There’s never coming in first in a beauty pageant, for one. There’s being denied service in public places. There’s only weirdos ever wanting to kiss you. I’m sure you can think of two, maybe three others.

Number of legs

None.

Number of cheeks

Two.

Known aliases

The flying buttocks was the pigbutt worm’s stage name in the circus. It wasn’t strictly accurate, though since it doesn’t fly. Apparently it didn’t think the swimming buttocks was flashy enough.

What if it fought a bear?

Haha can you imagine that? That’d look funny.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Just look at that thing. That’s so good I can forgive it for being a lowly worm.

 

 

9.5/10

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Apr 17 2013
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animals, ignoble, insects

Cicada

Cicada

The dictionary[1] defines “sap sucker” as “a loser or whack brother.” One such whack brother is the cicada. It loves nothing more than to latch onto a tree and just suck the sap right out of it. Well, okay, it loves one thing more, and that’s the crispety crunch of its Butterfinger, but honestly it mostly just loves the sap content in that (42%).

Even more than its sapsucking, the cicada is famous for how it sleeps underground for years at a time. Hidden there in Subterranea, waiting. Waiting for its moment… to strike.

cicada close-up

Summer is coming.

A time after it does emerge, it “moults,” by which I mean a second cicada horrifyingly bursts through the exoskeleton, instantly killing its host.

cicada begets cicada

Nobody knows how the other one gets in there.

Special powers

The cicada is one of the loudest insects in existence. Almost as loud as the gong beetle and Asian jewel airhorn.[2] If a sufficient amount of cicadas gather together, they can drown out even the most dedicated lawnmower driver or vuvuzela player.

Not only is it loud like a percussionist, the cicada has the beat-keeping ability of one. It can keep time to the trickiest of time signatures, even the really obscure ones. There are certain time signatures not even known to human composers, who lack the patience and gift for hibernation necessary to play them. I’m talking about bars that take years to complete. This is why you’ll occasionally hear reference to “cicadian rhythms.”

Weaknesses

Sleeping below the earth for years at a time has its disadvantages. The cicada misses bunches of episodes of The Simpsons. On the off chance that someone does journey beneath the crust and pass the tests of the molemen, an enemy of the cicada may be able to kill it in its slumber. Also, there’s the bad dreams.

Number of legs

Six.

Known aliases

Australians identify the cicada’s various types with names such as “cherry nose, brown baker, red eye, green grocer, green Monday, yellow Monday, whisky drinker, double drummer, and black prince.” As we learned in the kangaroo review, Australians are given far too much opportunity to give animals names.

Varieties

There are a couple particularly notable types of cicada. The annual jar fly hides below the surface not for years, but mere months – much like Bane of the League of Shadows.

Baaane!

“I will show you where I have made my home while preparing to bring justice. Then I will break you.”

Also like Bane, the annual jar fly can be filled with green beans or moonshine.

On the extreme end of the spectrum is the pharaoh cicada, which went underground in ancient times. It can be identified by the trailing bandages and stench of dust and embalming fluid. It boasts a number of magical powers and serves only the storm god Set.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Female cicadas are prized for being meatier.[6]”

Enemies

Somewhat predictably, the cicada does not get along with the cicada killer. It’s not quite clear what started the feud, but some theorize it had to do with the cicada killer’s name. One must admit it’s in poor taste.

What if it fought a bear?

If it’s awake, it can maybe sing the bear into submission.

If it’s asleep, it will be at an extreme underdog.[3]

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Every summer or every 17 summers or once an age, the cicada awakens and sets about being just super-loud. Not to mention every cicada killing the one in front of (outside) it. It is an untrustworthy, treacherous creature in this regard, as well as in board games. It is loyal to at best Set, at worst nothing. That may work fine for Set, but it’s an annoyance for the rest of us. And the molemen have it even worse.

 

3.5/10

 

 

 

[1]The urban one of course. Do I look like I’m wearing suspenders to you? Okay, yes, I am. Good guess. But they’re not denim.

[2]Recently popular in hip-hop songs.

[3]Underbug.

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Apr 10 2013
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animals, debated nobility, fish

Salmon

Salmon

Gooooood evening and welcome to Debate Every Animal! We’re taking the hottest animals of the week; we’re chewing ‘em up and we’re spitting ‘em out in your face! Pow!

[Insert aggressive title graphic here. See if the FOX robot is available.]

Here on the panel today with me are Chip Dipson.

CD: Hi Nathan. I’m beside myself with rage.

NC: And Dip Dobson. Dip?

DD: Thanks for havin’ me, fellas. I just wanna say my blood pressure is higher than the Andes. It’s the silent killer, Nathan!

NC: Ha ha, that it is, Dip. That it is. All right, enough jaw-chaw. Let’s get to Mazda First Shots.(TM)

[Another loud title graphic. Gunshot sound effects are heard, along with faint screaming.]

NC: Fish! Can’t live with ‘em, cannot microwave ‘em without a smell! Never truer than of the salmon, who has been making waves[1] lately in the animal world. But is it a winner? Or a worthless piece of crap? Chip, what’s your Mazda First Shot(TM)?

CD: I mean, look, what can I say?

NC: Your opinion, in the form of things that aren’t swear words.

CD: Okay, thanks. I was wondering. I’m a skeptic on the salmon. There are thirty fish I would pick before I even need to consider the salmon.

DD: Are you serious right now?!

CD: Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the old truism: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

DD: Truism? More like false-ism. The hogfish hasn’t been relevant in years. And besides that, the narwhal isn’t even a fish.

CD: Alright, let’s not split hairs.

NC: Please don’t talk about hares; need I remind you this is a conversation about fish. Dip, your response?

Special powers

DD: The salmon is at the top of its game right now, and I’d put it up against the tilapia or devil fish any day. I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna come out on top every time, but 50% of the time. Chip, not one of those animals you listed makes an incredible journey home to spawn. The angelfish hardly strays from its reef. Where are the homing abilities? Where are the pure athletic jumps up waterfalls?

keep going, salmon

CD: We can talk all we want about athleticism and jumps, and I’m just gonna ignore for a second that the salmon is no dolphin when it comes to those.

DD: Oh, as if that’s a fair comparison.

CD: You brought it up!

DD: I’ll take second place.

CD: Yeah, you will, in this debate.

Weaknesses

CD: What’s happening as the salmon is doing all that jumping? The bear is getting its mouth positioned right in its target path!

NC: Please, Chip. We have a separate segment for bear-related inquiries.

CD: I’m sorry, Nathan, but I am riled up; I am roided up; and I am peeved out!

Number of legs

NC: Let’s go around the table for some quick predictions. How many legs does the salmon have at the end of the season?

DD: Four.

CD: Zero.

DD: Are you kiddin’ me?

CD: I don’t think it’s got it in it, Dip.

DD: You’re a hater. There’s no reasoning with you, you slobbering moron.

CD: We’ll see, you slack-jawed dirtmonkey.

Varieties

NC: Okay, setting aside the larger debate and getting micro. We got a lotta different kinds of salmon competing out there. Atlantic, Chinook, Chum, Pink, Sockeye, Steelhead, Balsaface, Lampbutt, Danube, Silver… Who’s your pick?

DD: You know, the Danube’s got the size advantage being the largest, but I think what it comes down to is passion. And when you want passion, you want the humpy.[2] I think the Pink Salmon’s gonna surprise a lot of people.

CD: I’m not gonna shock anybody here, but if I have to go with a salmon, I’m gonna go with the Chinook or King Salmon. Right?

DD: I’m not gonna say anything bad about that choice.

CD: I’ve gotta give it props. It’s a solid ruler and it has a good head on its shoulders.[3]

Elite status

NC: The salmon is one of the most famous fish active today. It has been served on millions of dinner plates. But is it an elite fish, a phrase which holds zero meaning and has been invented for the purposes of this discussion?

CD: I think we know where I fall on this. The salmon doesn’t have the hunting prowess or the beauty of the elite fish. It’s B-list material.

DD: Have you forgotten about the Salmon of Knowledge, you whimpering scum-slurper? This thing had all the collective wisdom of the universe.

CD: Yeah, yeah, we all know about the Salmon of Knowledge, you nutless twit. But it gained the wisdom of ancient times, when they thought meat was made of flies and nothing made you sicker than your own blood and whatnot.

salmon of knowledge

The ancients: Idiots?

What if it fought a bear?

CD: Look, the bear eats salmon every friggin’ day. The salmon jumps right in there, in the most misguided possible kamikaze attempt. Until the salmon finally remembers to strap a bomb to itself before it tries this little tactical gambit, the bear’s just gonna keep racking up the kills.

Salmon jumps into bear mouth

DD: I can’t disagree with ya, Chip, you filthy junk-jockey.

CD: Finally!

DD: Jumping directly into the mouth of your predator is a boneheaded, rookie move, and it’s an old habit the salmon needs to break – and soon.

Is it noble?

DD: Yes.

CD: Not a chance.

Final rating

NC: Gentlemen, it’s that time. What is your Geico “Oy it’s a lizard innit” Final Rating?

CD: 6/10.

DD: 8/10.

NC: I’m going 7/10. We’ll see you next week, when we’re not doing this dumb bit.

 

 

 

 

[1]Splash sound effect.

[2]Also known as the pink salmon.

[3]Do fish have shoulders? Check in next week for High Life Corrections and Regrets sponsored by Miller High Life.

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Apr 03 2013
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aliens, animals, mammals

Cow

Cow

You know how aliens are always abducting the cow? Did that ever make sense to you?

The cow returned to its homeworld.

Doesn’t seem right.

If not, there’s a good reason for that. The reason is aliens don’t abduct cows. Cows are aliens.[1] What we think to be abductions are just the cow returning to its homeworld. What we think to be UFOs are really IFSPBBs (Identified Flying Spaceships Piloted By Bovines). I mean, the cow is considered holy in India and a number of other places. What seems more likely – that the cow proved worthy of divinity on its own cud-chewing merits or that it appeared to descend from the heavens? Exactly.

Special powers

Besides descending from the heavens and traveling the far reaches of space, the cow has more literally down-to-earth powers. For example, tasting absolutely delicious.

steak

Meat Every Animal

It’s not just its seared flesh that’s so tasty, however! The cow can also provide sustenance without even dying first, by way of milk. This liquid is so precious – pure or made into various dairy products – that countless cow wars continue to be fought in our world’s most milk-rich regions. Ask your grocer about conflict-free mozzarella.

It can sleep standing up (see Weaknesses). The males have horns. Sometimes, they’re long horns. We call such creatures “shortfaces.”[2]

Weaknesses

A bit of a hipster, the cow stands around in the middle of flat fields in cold wind, sleeps standing up, and re-chews food it liked better the first time – all “ironically.”

Furthermore, the cow is a very poor conversationalist. It mostly just stares blankly at you.

There’s also a recurring problem of the cow going utterly insane. It’s not uncommon for a mortal considered to be sacred to go mad with power. It’s just like the old saying: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; girl power corrupts girlishly; you can’t go over water unless you’ve got power.

Number of legs

Four

Place of origin

If the cow does not come from Earth, then where does it come from? The answer is not as easy as it might initially seem, because it turns out space is really really big. I don’t know if you knew that, but it was a real shock to me in my research. There are literally hundreds of planets out there and at least as many stars. Each world is named after a Roman god, like Saturn, Mercury, Audi, Volvo, or Studebaker. Not Pluto, though. Neil deGrassi Tyson, Canadian teen scientist, blew the lid off that whole hoax. Pluto never existed.

Pluto is lies.

A fabrication.

Anyway, the cow is from a planet that does exist: Buick. Little is known about its homeworld, and good luck getting the cow to say anything about it (see Weaknesses).

What if it fought a bear?

The cow, with the assistance of Mrs. O’Leary, started the Chicago Fire. The bear can’t do a dang thing about a fire without my help.

Is it noble?

It is unknowable.

Final rating

Tasty in the end, but a bit of a bore leading up to that. Even its whole “mad god” routine isn’t as entertaining as it could be.

 

4.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Today’s post adapted from a doodle by M. Night Shyamalan.

[2]Their faces aren’t even that short, but in terms of proportions, you know?

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Mar 27 2013
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animals, mammals, noble

Blue whale

Blue whale

Do you hear that sound? That beautiful sound? It’s the beautiful sound of the largest creature in the world, the blue whale. There are few animals who can equal the blue whale’s musical talents.

blue whale

Do NOT follow this animal at karaoke.

Unlike most underwater music, the blue whale’s songs have been appreciated far and wide.[1] It could make its bed out of platinum records. And let me tell you, its bed is huge. And comfortable, because it’s not actually made of platinum records. It keeps those in a trophy case.

Special powers

Its singing ability, obviously. Its ear for production and songwriting (an ear which it keeps inside rather than protruding ridiculously like most mammals).

Weaknesses

Mostly just gluten, according to it anyway.

Number of legs

N/A

Notable accomplishments

The blue whale’s long career has been incredibly varied. Beyond its accomplished solo career, the blue whale has fronted a handful of bands and served as producer for numerous diverse artists. It was a little embarrassed to be in Band Aid, but it was for a good cause and all, so it doesn’t want to look like a jerk.

When they performed their world-changing set at Woodstock, the blue whale filled in for a missing member of Sha Na Na.

The blue whale’s cover of Batdance set the records for most Grammys received and best record ever listened to.

Its long feud with Pitbull was the underlying subtext of Billy Joel’s diss song The Entertainer, which the blue whale produced.[2]

When country guy Scott Allenson could not fulfill his duties on a live episode of The Voice, the blue whale scatted notes for a national audience until Cee-lo could revive his fellow judge. It was the highest rated episode ever.

The blue whale is the only friend the being designated Buckethead has ever known.

Michael Jackson‘s trademark “shee-hee!” laugh is a flair he first heard the blue whale use. He bought the rights to the giggle from it for a secret price rumored to be around $900,000 (adjusted for inflation).

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Whales eat fruits and veggies. Digging is the ultimate experience.”

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Also Says

“hahaha this whale is huge and ugly and funky doodle digging is the ultimate experience…lol…”

What if it fought a bear?

Two words: Body slam. Game over.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Well, it is huge and ugly and a total funky doodle. But it’s an immensely talented funky doodle. And any enemy of Pitbull is a friend of this blog.

Pitbull, stop it.

He knows what he did.

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Of course, some biased sources will tell you that everything’s better where it is wetter, but anyone who’s tried to eat potato chips at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico will tell you that’s wrong.

 

[2]Notice lyrics such as “So they cut it down to 305,” a clear reference to “Mr. 305” himself. The song also mentions Pitbull’s practice of performing with his hands deep in his trousers and his gimmicky all-palace tour.

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Mar 13 2013
3 Comments
animals, birds, ignoble, nightmare beasts

Cock-of-the-rock

Cock-of-the-rock

The cock-of-the-rock isn’t a household name, not even in the silliest, most rhyme-loving of houses. You may recognize its face, however, from your nightmares:

Andean cock-of-the-rock

“I’m back…for your soul.”

There are two kinds of cock-of-the-rock: Andean and Guianan. A third species was announced in 1992, but has been delayed over and over ever since. It’s the Chinese Democracy of birds, except that actually came out. It’s the Duke Nukem Forever of birds. Well, that came out too. It’s the Detox of birds. Are we good? Is that comparison good?[1]

Special powers

The cock-of-the-rock is notable for the prominent crest on its head and the fact that its unblinking eye sees every iniquity you thought was secret.

Weaknesses

We’re still waiting for that third species, cock-of-the-rock. At least Dre has released some headphones and taken up supervillainy, you know?

Dr. Dre

Protective equipment is the only thing between him and those blinding beats.

Number of legs

Two.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Only in my worst nightmares.

Etymology

Cock-of-the-rock is, to put it lightly, a unique name. It raises so many questions, only a few of which can be voiced in polite company. No one is quite sure why the bird is so called, but its favorite band is The Darkness, so one kinda wonders if that’s connected.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is already prone to madness; the sight of the cock-of-the-rock would send it over the edge.

Is it noble?

No.

God help us, no.

Final rating

The cock-of-the-rock has seen your sins. It has tasted your lies and found them sweet. It’s possible to avoid it, of course. All you have to do is just never sleep again.

Guianan cock-of-the-rock

Never again.

aaaaaaaahhhhh

Not even once.

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]Yeah, we’re good.

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