Caiman

Caiman

Sometimes you want an alligator, but you don’t want, like, a WHOLE alligator, you know what I mean? For times like that, there’s a smaller, sportier model: the caiman.

dwarf caiman

There’s more of it under the water. Not too much though.

Special powers

It has been described by a RapGenius editor as “dripping Swagu (an attempt to tie swag to high-end aspirational brand Ragu).”

Weaknesses

The caiman has a poor fashion sense, especially compared to its otherwise nerdy cousin the gharial.

This slayed at Paris.

A hat made of your own young? Now that’s sartorial creativity!
(Photo by Udayan Rao Pawar)

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

Glover.

What if it fought a bear?

The caiman claims to be a pacifist, but is actually a coward.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I know up there I framed being a smaller substitute for the alligator as a good thing. But the caiman just doesn’t satisfy. You’re just gonna need another in a couple hours; you know what I mean? Plus, it usually hates the capybara, and an enemy of the capybara is an enemy of this blog.

 

 

3/10

Tagged , ,

Tortoise beetle

Tortoise beetle

The tortoise beetle knows your secrets.

When intelligence operatives talk about sweeping a room for bugs, it’s bugs like the tortoise beetle that they’re talking about. Many bugs are nosy, but the tortoise beetle takes snooping to another level.

Special powers

The tortoise beetle is so good at spying, it even has information on the CIA, and we here at Rate Every Animal have the exclusive scoop on what it has found.[1] Specifically, it has discovered an internal document that details CIA plans for its future tweets, such as:

  • “Don’t tell anyone but sometimes we hide our most sensitive secrets in Pharrell’s big hat.”

  • “Trust us, we listened in to all of that foreign national Borat’s calls. We learned a lot about… HIS WIIIIFE!”

  • “Our unofficial motto is: And you shall know the truth and the truth shall get in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said you’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.” (note: more than 140 characters. Can we apply for an exemption? Look into it.)

  • Could we get “drone’d” trending as a synonym/replacement for “pwned?”

  • “bae: come over

    me: I can’t

    bae: Osama bin Laden is here.

    me: *leaves roadrunner style dust cloud*”

  • “Kill list? Nah, all we’ve got is a trill list! ;)”

  • Intelligence suggests Grumpy Cat could be paid to pose for photographs. Maybe do something with that?

  • “I can haz South American #coup?”

  • “Waaaaaassssuuuuup! Remember? Like in the commercial? I can only feel anything any more by torturing a human being.”

Rarely, a golden tortoise beetle will be born. The golden tortoise beetle is said to grant wishes to those precious few lucky enough to discover it. This has never been confirmed by science, but a living bug made of metal would certainly seem to be magic of some kind.

Weaknesses

The tortoise beetle is still using MS-DOS at home. It pretends it’s making a statement and that it’s better somehow, but everyone knows it’s just scared to try to learn a new system.

Number of legs

Six.

Did I find something mentally scarring in a University of Florida article about the tortoise beetle?

Yes, and here it is.

tortoise beetle larva's anal fork

Guess what it’s for. Nope, just as gross though.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can smush the tortoise beetle in normal circumstances. One made of gold, however. That might be enough to chip a tooth.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The tortoise beetle is quite attractive for an insect. It also violates everyone’s privacy on the reg. Fortunately, it doesn’t usually release those secrets, but then again it told me all about the CIA’s twitter. It’s probably best to stay on its good side.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Eat your heart out, Julian Assange.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Horse

Horse

Life ain’t all mint juleps and large hats. Believe it or not, the horse exists all year round, even on the high holy days. If people who like the horse are to be believed, it is the most important creature in the world.[1] It is certainly quite magnificent if you ignore its crazy eyes.

Special powers

The horse is a fast animal – so famous is its speed that if you look closely, you’ll find the word “horse” hidden within the word “horsepower.” The horse is a powerful animal, capable of pulling all manner of heavy objects – hence why we measure towing capacity in “horsespeed.”

But let’s get back to that impressive speed. Every single Kentucky Derby has been won by the horse, except for one year when it was won by a mysterious floating orb.[2]

Due to its above qualities and strong sense of justice, the horse frequently serves as a law enforcement officer.

HORSE LAW

HORSE LAW

It typically carries around a human assistant who can handle any speaking, writing, or hat-wearing duties.

Weaknesses

Speech. Writing. The wearing of hats.

There is a critical hole in the horse’s defenses: it can be controlled through mental communication.

Can't go wrong.

The perfect plan.

If that fails, it will do literally anything for oats.

Number of legs

Four

Phrases

The horse has been a prominent figure throughout history. The Lewis & Clark expedition, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the invention of the telephone, the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings, and Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali’s 1971 fight all took place with all the participants on horseback. Naturally, the horse has worked its way into many of our most enduring idioms. Below I have collected some of the most famous ones, along with their explanations:

One-horse town: Before adopting the star rating it uses today, Zagat would rate businesses on a scale of five horses. This term describes a city with a poor average Zagat rating.

Don’t put the cart before the horse: If the horse were presented with the garbage we have it pull around, it would fly into a blind rage. This phrase is comparable to “Ignorance is bliss.”

High horse: When you take the same position a marijuana-addled horse would take, you are “getting on your high horse.”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: The horse is a deeply responsible designated driver.

Trojan horse: If you can’t understand what your horse is saying, it may be speaking an ancient language of west Turkey.

Beating a dead horse: This is a sick thing to do. This is messed up.

A horse of a different color: Sometimes a horse will be a different color than yours and you will murder your neighbor in a jealous fury.

Straight from the horse’s mouth: Sometimes if you reach into the horse’s mouth, you will find prizes like gumballs, stuffed animals, or keys to a nnnneww caaaaaaar!

Look a gift horse in the mouth: If you check the horse’s mouth before you reach in, that’s cheating.

Hold your horse’s mouth: Horse-owners are obsessed with horse mouths.

Nightmare: A kind of female horse who enters your dreams as a psychic vampire.

This is the end of this list.

The horse in the future

Could the horse be replaced in the future by a mechanical simulacrum?

mechanical horse from 1933

Scientists say no, and stop asking so many questions and how did I get that photograph give them that right now get out of their office.

What if it fought a bear?

Unfortunately, the bear is a master of mental communication ever since it ate a psychic. The horse would quickly become its unwitting pawn. Unless of course we could engineer a horse who didn’t have an organic mind – only a computer. Perhaps such a creature would resemble a big metal bug. Yeah, now we’re onto something…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The horse is beloved, and for good reason. Well, fairly good reason. It isn’t actually made of Heaven’s love like some horse-owner hymns say. Mainly it’s made of bones and horse-guts. But don’t let my instinct to push back against their hyperbole take away from the horse’s many good traits.

As they say in the Derby: saddle away!

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]“Every precious horse life is worth a hundred human souls. May every beautiful horse soar to immortality on the land-wings God has granted and man has girded with iron. (One and every one!)” – famous horse-owner call and response

 

[2]“ORB IS GREAT. ORB IS GOOD. ALL HAIL ORB.” read the headline. On the next day, nobody remembered writing it.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Silverfish

Silverfish

This animal, this silverfish, is the worst thing to ever be made of silver. Most of the time something is only made out of silver if it really seems worth making. That calculus never entered into the creation of the silverfish.

Special powers

It’s not all bad, of course. Being made of metal, it is one of the most durable insects around. And it’s good with cross-stitch.

Weaknesses

The silverfish is a commitment-phobe and social coward. Science has studied its methods for avoiding obligations of friendships and ending relationships entirely, and discovered another fifty ways to leave one’s lover, in addition to the first set enumerated by Dr. Paul Simon. Some of these new entries include:

1. Text her, Dexter

2. Start a G-chat, Matt

3. Hit unfollow, Waldo

4. Call a conference, Hortense

5. Make up a story, Corey

6. Pretend you’re sick, Nick

7. Take the fire escape, Snape

8. Resort to defenestration, Nathan

9. Use a decoy, Troy

10. Fake your own death, Beth

11. Tie hundreds of balloons to your pants, Lance

12. Hide in the trash, Ash

13. Become a hobo, Joe

14. Be a huge jerk, Dirk

15. Walk into the sea, Lee

16. Snap into a slim, Jim

17. Fall in a latrine, Gene

18. Say you lost a bet, Rhett

19. Replace yourself with a robot, Scott

20. Walk like you got crab knees, Dabney

21. Ride a T. Rex, Lex

22. Take the form of a bat, Pat

23. Buy a full-page color ad, Brad

24. Tell her in rhyme, Jeff

25. Hold court, Voldemort

26. Go screw, Andrew

27. Jump up your own butt, Helmut

Besides being a bad friend and worse romantic partner, the silverfish is shiftless and physically feeble.

Number of legs

Six.

Favorite video game

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

Online presence

The silverfish accesses the Internet solely through apps. It uploads Vines of its meals as they’re cooking (usually Ramen mid-boil), takes Instagrams of ceiling fans, and tweets vague statements of emotion with excessive ellipses.

silverfish

“So I guess it’s like that today huh…………. I don’t need this anyway………..”

What if it fought a bear?

It would run away, Faye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Even the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish[1]) is better than the silverfish.

 

1/10

 
 

[1]Until I come across a worse fish. It’s like Taken said in The Phantom Menace, “There’s always a worse fish.”

 
 

Programming note: This blog will take off one to two weeks, but will return with our big 150th review spectacular. Stay tuned!

Tagged , , , , ,

Wombat

Wombat

We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.

symphony_of_the_night_1

But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.

Weaknesses

It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs

Four.

Home

The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.

 

 

9.5/10

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Flycatcher

Flycatcher

The flycatcher is not just one bird. It comprises numerous birds, which can be divided roughly into two warring factions – those who follow the monarch flycatcher and those who follow the tyrant flycatcher – as well as the third party silky-flycatchers and legendary fairy flycatchers.

Special powers

It can catch the fly.

The fairy flycatchers are said to grant wishes to the pure of heart, given sufficient audience applause and “fairy dust.”[1]

Weaknesses

PCP, mostly.

fairy flycatcher - rare, magical, druggie

So high.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Notable followers of the Monarch

The disciples of the monarch flycatcher mostly have names which seem to have been made up on the spot shortly before a hard deadline. They include:

African Blue Flycatcher

White-tailed Monarch

Little Yellow Flycatcher

Black-winged Monarch

Black-backed Monarch

Black-chinned Monarch

Black-and-white Monarch

Black-faced Monarch[2]

Cerulean Paradise Flycatcher

Buff-bellied Monarch[3]

Shrikebill

Hooded Monarch[4]

Restless Flycatcher[5]

Notable followers of the Tyrant

The adherents of the tyrant flycatcher’s ideology have generally more fearsome titles. They include:

Great Shrike-Tyrant

Great Kiskadee

Cinnamon Flycatcher[6]

Sulphury Flycatcher[7]

Black-capped Pygmy Tyrant

Piratic Flycatcher[8]

Flammulated Flycatcher[9]

Drab Water Tyrant

Cattle Tyrant

Many-colored Rush Tyrant

Streamer-tailed Tyrant[10]

Scissor-tailed Tyrant[11]

Fork-tailed Tyrant[12]

Northern Beardless Tyrannulet

Eastern Wood Pewee

Agile Tit-Tyrant

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no respect for the flycatcher’s hierarchy.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Agile Tit-Tyrant.

#AgileTitTyrant

 
 

9/10

 
 
 

[1]PCP.

[2]The most offensive flycatcher of all.

[3]The first bird to appear shirtless on the cover of Flex Magazine.

[4]This mysterious stranger never removes its mask. Can it be trusted?

[5]If you thought the fairy flycatchers loved PCP, wait until you see this one.

[6]The most delicious flycatcher.

[7]The least delicious flycatcher.

[8]This flycatcher isn’t in it for your war.

[9]You think it’s all hype? You think this flycatcher isn’t flammulated? Think again, bub.

[10]Its streamer tail makes it the most festive of all flycatchers.

[11]Its scissor tail is a powerful weapon against all but the rock-tailed flycatcher.

[12]Its spoon-shaped tail is a persistent source of disappointment for its parents.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Iberian ribbed newt

Iberian ribbed newt

What’s your favorite ribbed newt? I bet a lot of you answered with the Iberian ribbed newt, one of the most popular ribbed newts ever. Sorry, contrarian/ironic Martian ribbed newt lovers! That animal sucks and is also not a real animal and instead just a thing I dreamed once!

I checked my totem.

Not a dream.

Special powers

When the Iberian ribbed newt is threatened or feels that it’s about to lose a board game, it coats itself in poison. That’s fine, of course, but it’s also something anyone with a bucket of poison can do.

What’s truly unique about the Iberian ribbed newt is that it literally juts its sharp ribs through its fleshy sides as makeshift stingers. When has one of those guys with a bucket of poison ever been willing and able to turn his own bones into stabbing weapons? They don’t have it in them. Prove me wrong, poison-bucket-carrying cowards! I defy you!

Weaknesses

The Iberian ribbed newt is poking holes in its own dang skin all the dang time, in part because it is so, so bad at board games.

Number of legs

Four.

Has it been to space?

Yes. The Soviets sought only the most courageous of animals to send into space, and a creature willing to stab itself from the inside out in order to fight is not a creature who knows much of fear.

The Iberian ribbed newt in pop culture

Because of its ability to poke its sharp bones out through its skin and regenerate from serious wounds, it served as the inspiration for the X-men’s Logan, also known as the uncanny Iberian Ribbed Newt!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear knows nothing of the self-sacrifice the Iberian ribbed newt is willing to go through, and that is why it cannot win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The Iberian ribbed newt is hardcore. Not at, like, Candyland and stuff. But in general.
 
 
 
8/10

Tagged , , , , , ,

Nyala

Nyala

The NFL draft is this week. It’s a fabulous event, often considered “the Super Bowl of the NFL.” Teams will have to make a lot of tough decisions to make over the course of the three days of the NFL draft, as recently dramatized in the Kevin Costner film “Three Days To Kill.”

DRAFT DAY

What does all this have to do with the nyala?

Special powers

Well, the nyala is a draft expert.

Unlike most other draft experts, the male nyala has large twisted horns.

It has glands on its feet, leaving its scent where it walks. Most draft experts have these.

Weaknesses

Because of those glands, the nyala is a remarkably easy fugitive to track and a remarkably poor hide-and-seek competitor.

The nyala just generally has entirely too much going on, aesthetically.

This friggin' guy. Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/arnolouise/3104729822/in/photostream/

This friggin’ guy.
Source

We’ve got spiral horns, big ears, shaggy hair on the neck, belly, and upper back legs but nowhere else, yellow-orange below the knee, white stripes AND facial markings… The nyala is distinctly over-accessorized.

Number of legs

Four.

Sample wisdom of the nyala

Another year, another exciting draft! Get your giant whiteboard, popcorn, and adult diaper ready now, ’cause you won’t want to miss a moment! But for those of you who haven’t followed my previous posts and scent messages, here’s a quick and dirty overview of what to watch for. Our sources indicate that as many as nineteen players could be selected to advance to the pros this year, so there’s a lot to keep track of. Let’s get started.

Top AAA+ Choices Good Job
Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina): If he’s anything like his future self who came back to the present to warn us of the error of our ways, Clowney will grow into a superb defensive player wholly unaffected by the nanoplague. Good hump moves on the deep web.
Darqueze Dennard (CB, Michigan State): Found extra gears on my cousin’s ATV. Gets in opposing player’s heads on the click-and-drag. Does up-close magic every brunch.
Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo): “Return of the Mack” was written about him. An easy merchandising opportunity since he has his own interactive webseries.
Sammy Watkins (WR, Clemson): My man on the inside discovered a tattoo reading REMEMBER SAMMY WATKINS on his body that he has no memory receiving.
Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): In practice, twirls his mustache and laughs like “Gr-r-ra-ha-ha-ha!”

Dark Horse Picks
Jackson Jeffcoat (DE, Texas): Appeared to sometimes underperform due to the heavy chains he wears around his body, but would instantly improve if persuaded to get rid of them.
Quincy Enunwa (WR, Nebraska): Undersized, but makes up for it in character. Could be for football what Mother Theresa was to racquetball.
Willie Snead (WR, Ball State): Runs routes like Sunday’s a Friday and the post office had a birthday party. Could be picked up for a song in a late round – specifically “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by Looking Glass.
Aaron Donald (DT, Pittsburgh): A lot of bang for your buck with two first names for the price of one. Rumor is he loves Judy as more than a friend.
Boseko Lokombo (OLB, Oregon): Scouts say he could outrun a husky and outsmart a husky who’s had some college. A real gumbo-chewer on the field.
Ha’Sean “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix (FS, Alabama): Tall-hipped. A worthy pick for ironic jersey sales alone.

Bust to the Future (in the Future, they will have been busts)
Kerry Wynn (DT, Richmond): Ironically, picking “Wynn” will make you “lyosse.”
C.J. Mosley (ILB, Alabama): My sources tell me Mosley is afraid of the dark, making him a liability getting to the stadium for night games.
Demetri Goodson (CB, Baylor): There are questions about his football knowledge, such as “Has he heard of it?”
Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State): Could stand to iron out his pedal and jimmy up his grind belts. Refers to the ball as “my friend, the constable” and only drinks iced milk on the sideline.
Blake Bortles (QB, Central Florida): Slam jumpers need work and petunias are left unguarded. Sometimes weak in the phalanges.

What if it fought a bear?

The nyala has reports on all the bear’s weaknesses from the combine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The nyala’s sports reporting is, frankly, incomprehensible speculation.

.

.
4/10

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Horseshoe crab

Horseshoe crab

Of all those who purport to have legitimate claims to the crab throne, the horseshoe crab‘s pretending is the most egregious. The horseshoe crab, you see, is no crab at all.

horseshoe crab photoshoot

FRAUD

The horseshoe crab is more closely related to the spider, scorpion and xenomorph than any true crab. Still it persists in making plays to establish itself as the crab king.

Special powers

And it has the weaponry to support its campaign. The horseshoe crab’s whole body is covered in a firm leathery carapace. It can use its tail to flip itself back over when upside-down, giving it an instant advantage in BattleBot matches. The horseshoe crab isn’t technically a robot any more than it is a crab, but it hasn’t let that stop it from entering.

Weaknesses

It failed to avoid the Noid.

Number of legs

Ten.

Is its mouth somewhere weird?

Yes, in the middle of all its creepy legs.

horseshoe crab: the view from below

Sweet dreams!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is just one beast. The horseshoe crab has an army. Oh, I’m sorry; did I not mention the army earlier? It has one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The horseshoe crab is not crab. It’s not horseshoe. I doubt it’s of this earthly realm. I am thankful its ambitions are limited to the crab kingdom for now, but the crabs can only squabble over their oceanic throne for so long. Eventually, the horseshoe crab’s attentions could be drawn elsewhere. And when that time comes, not even flipping it over will save us.

_

_

8/10

Tagged , , , ,

Woodpecker

Woodpecker

Wood won’t peck itself. Fortunately, when there’s wood that needs pecking, there’s the woodpecker to do it.

"nut all woodpeckers"

Two, even.

The woodpecker felt that birds weren’t getting maximum use from trees by utilizing only the exterior. It invented the “lifehack” of pecking one’s way into the creamy, grub-filled interior of a tree. It didn’t stop there. It is continually posting on the Internet new advice for how the reading public can better live their lives. What follows are just a few of the woodpecker’s tips, in its own words.

  • See the other side of your hammer? LIFEHACK: Use that bad boy to take nails back out!

  • Tired of buying new mugs? LIFEHACK: With a little water and soap, you can reuse a mug six, even seven times!

  • LIFEHACK: Every DVD tray doubles as a display base for your novelty snake-filled-peanut-brittle-can.

  • Running low on shampoo? LIFEHACK: Wash your hands with soap instead of shampoo.

  • When you drive forward, you use up gas. LIFEHACK: Drive backwards and get your gas back! It’s called reverse and most cars don’t even hide it.

  • LIFEHACK: A backscratcher is just a fork for plates that aren’t within reach.

  • Do your hands become a disgusting mess when you eat barbecue ribs? LIFEHACK: Your precious fingers need never be soiled once you hire a personal butler to hand feed you!

  • Need to shave but you don’t have a razor? LIFEHACK: Carefully aim a pistol to shoot the hair right off your problem area!

  • Out of pepper? LIFEHACK: Salt and black food coloring will do in a “pinch.”

  • LIFEHACK: You’ll find while driving that one lane of traffic is generally quicker. In some cultures, this is the left. In others, it’s the right. Identify the correct one through observation.

  • Need to talk to somebody far away quickly? LIFEHACK: Use a telephone! ADVANCED LIFEHACK: Use a mobile telephone.

  • Hand stuck in the jelly jar but you’re too scared to break the glass? LIFEHACK: Suck it up and get to bleeding, you baby.

  • Tired of the same old boring ramen noodles? You can instantly class them up. Just add ½ cup diced green onions, fresh shrimp (peeled, deveined, and chopped), ¼ cup carrots (peeled & diced), 1/3 cup diced mushrooms, 16 ounces of bean sprouts, and chopped bok choy to taste. To really be at the top of your ramen game, you may need to purchase a higher-end, organic noodle, which will run you around US$5 a pack. Boom, LIFEHACK, the perfect ramen for just twenty-nine dollars and one to two hours of prep time, depending on your proximity to a specialty Asian grocery.

  • Boring movie?

    LIFEHACK: This button lets you jump forward quickly through a dull stretch to get to the good stuff!

    LIFEHACK: This button lets you jump forward quickly through a dull stretch to get to the good stuff!

  • Make your own Christmas ornaments out of popcorn balls, string, googley eyes and scalding hot glue. It’s not any quicker than using a store-bought ornament but LIFEHACK you grow closer to your family.

  • Don’t you just hate all those crumbled up chip specks at the bottom of the bag? What a waste! Well guess what you can just tilt the bag and suck them up like a common beast. LIFEHACK.

  • Have a nasty splinter? Pour some lemon juice over the affected area. LIFEHACK: You no longer fear death.

Special powers

The woodpecker has a long tongue, strong beak, and is immune to concussions despite years in its amateur rugby league.

It also has zygodactyl feet, which is a fancy way of saying it has two forward toes and two backward toes – the perfect set-up for grabbing onto tree-shaped objects such as trees.

Weaknesses

The woodpecker has something of a confused identity. Sometimes it’s a little bit country. Sometimes it’s a little bit rock ‘n’ roll. Sometimes it’s a little bit Donny and Marie Osmond.

lineated woodpecker

Sometimes it’s a little bit punk.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Dirtiest sounding species name

The hairy woodpecker.

What if it fought a bear?

It can punch holes in trees. Now what’s harder, a tree or a bear? That’s right, a bear. Bear wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

When I saw when the woodpecker had done this…

cocktail

That’s not what easy means, you moron.

…I wanted to hack its life into pieces.

.

.

3.5/10

Tagged , , , , , ,