Rabbit

Rabbit

Easter is this Sunday, and with it will come the Easter Bunny. But did you know that the Easter Bunny is actually a rabbit? I know, bunny’s right in the name, but it turns out he has nothing to do with Playboy.

Not all rabbits are immortal beneficent givers of eggs and candies, however. The rabbit is also capable of evil, as the recent spate of theatrical rabbit-on-rabbit serial killings shows.

half a rabbit

This is its design.

And the Easter Bunny shouldn’t get off with its motives totally unquestioned either. I mean, where is it even getting those eggs?

Special powers

The rabbit has extremely lucky feet. It has never tripped in its life. Once it slid on some ice into a curb and it seemed like it was going to trip, but at the last possible moment it did the Charleston instead.

It sleeps with both eyes open because it trusts no one.

When the rabbit wears a dress, wig and makeup – and believe me, given enough time, it will – it becomes irresistibly attractive to anyone normally attracted to human women.

Bugs Bunny has constant access to false busoms

The sexiest.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Weaknesses

The rabbit’s tail is made of cotton, the favorite fabric of Zooey Deschanel and states’ rights enthusiasts. Though luxuriously soft, it is also functionally useless, tailwise.

It eats its own poop. It’s like, hey rabbit, just absorb the nutrients right the first time, dummy. Duh doy. Seems obvious to me.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Number of legs

Four.

Nomenclature

The male rabbit is called a buck; the female is known as a doe; and the child is a kitten, in a set-up identical to a deer couple who adopt a cat.

What if it fought a bear?

The best rabbit is immortal and has nothing to fear. The worst rabbit can split the bear in half. Between these points is mostly just easy rabbit meat.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

So we don’t know where the Easter Bunny gets eggs from. But whatever its source, is it getting exactly the right number for the houses it breaks into? Surely there are extras to account for any eggs broken in the distribution process. So what happens to the leftovers?

"He's eating them."

I have a theory.

The rabbit: Could its greatest paragon also be its worst monster?

 

 

 

8/10 or 1/10 pending further investigation

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Flea

Flea

Not all blood-sucking parasites who feature in circuses are clowns. Some are the flea.

flea in profile by Robert Hooke

“Am I a clown to you?”

The flea circus is the premier live show for insects, by insects. Cirque du Soleil transitioned to human entertainment when it couldn’t hack it in the flea circus’s shadow. Acts include Teddy the Ant with a Mane, The Amazing Web Line Dancers, Cuonzo the Tattooed Moth[1], Bug Gallagher, The Living Ball, The Stilt Bug, Aldus the Larger-Than-Normal Mite, and The Literally Flying Pelluccis. The goliath beetle got its start in the flea circus lifting extremely heavy things like cup lids and coins.

Special powers

The flea’s incredible feat is leaping high into the air. Well, high in relation to how small it is. It can not jump higher than me, for example, due to my extreme height advantage. What I’m trying to explain is that the time it beat me in basketball was a fluke.

The flea is also a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It loves California and funking out, not necessarily in that order.

Weaknesses

The flea sucks blood from other creatures in order to survive. It is a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

what the peppermen say

Did you know the famous RHCP logo is an anus? Maybe put a sock on THAT next time, fellas.

Number of legs

Six.

Drink of choice

It craves BLOOOOOOD!

What if it fought a bear?

It has been fighting the bear for years, and the bear has not noticed.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The flea is a consummate entertainer and skilled bassist. It is also a profoundly obnoxious parasite and it made my hair itch just researching it. Even that means it has personally offended me more than most animals I review. This has nothing to do with it beating me at basketball that time.

 

3/10

 

 

 

[1]Sorry to blow up your spot, Cuonzo, but you’re obviously just a butterfly.

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Flamingo

Flamingo

The flamingo: It’s not just a lawn ornament any more!

pink plastic flamingo

I mean, it’s still a lawn ornament. But it’s a bird too now.

In both statue and animal form, the flamingo enjoys nothing more than standing on one leg and tucking the other away. Not even Jenga. And it loves Jenga.

Special powers

It’s good at Jenga.

Like the rock pigeon, the flamingo produces crop milk. Flamingo crop milk is even more potent than the pigeon variety. It’s available only in secret backrooms of Tunisian hookah bars, where it is sold to those for whom gambling and opiates have lost their thrill.

Weaknesses

Sometimes it is a lawn ornament.

Number of legs

Two. Wings are also involved.

Diet

The flamingo gains its distinctive pink color from feeding on algae, brine shrimp and a certain flavor of lemonade (blue raspberry). If, for some reason, it changes its diet, the flamingo’s color will change accordingly. Consult this handy chart.

Color                                   Diet

Pink                                      Algae, brine shrimp, blue raspberry lemonade

Yellow                                   Popcorn shrimp, kale, pink lemonade

Silver                                    Spinach, beef, red wine

Navy blue                              Baconator with Arby’s Sauce, sweet potato fries and Baja Blast[1]

Turquoise                              Tangerines

Tangerine                              Olives

Olive                                     Mangos

Black                                    Dark matter

Orange w/ black stripes          N/A. Not a flamingo. May be a tiger.

flamingo

Does it look like this? Or does it look like a big stripey cat?

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is mighty, but might will not give it the ability to kill a lawn ornament. That remains impossible.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The flamingo will never die. Flamingo forever. Forever and ever the flamingo.

 

9/10

 

 

[1]#Supperjumpin

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Ocean sunfish

Ocean sunfish

The sun has a number of avatars in the animal kingdom. The sunbear represents its heat. The sunbird represents its relationship with plants. The sundog represents its light. The sun angel battles moon criminals on its behalf. The sunflower is not an animal. The ocean sunfish represents its mass. It is the heaviest bony fish in the world at about a ton spread over its 13-foot length. Believe it or not, the sun is even bigger – a dozen times bigger, at least – but the point is the ocean sunfish is proportionally like the sun of its particular peer group.

Special powers

It’s humongous.

Though the ocean sunfish performed as a baritone with its college a cappella group, it can sing well in a range from bass all the way to tenor.

Out-of-town gigs were hard.

The ocean sunfish, pictured here with the rest of “Gleequeg.”

Weaknesses

Due to its great size, the ocean sunfish has poor speed and maneuverability.

It has a weird butt.

ocean sunfish doin its thing

Weird.

Number of legs

No.

Known aliases

  • Mola mola
  • Hank
  • _DipBoss23_

Former names of its college a cappella group, Gleequeg

  • Skull and Crosstones
  • N-TUNE
  • The Jolly Rogers
  • Lucky Charmony
  • No Strings
  • Micky Dolenz’ Locker
  • Sweater Boys
  • Gleefaring Vessel
  • Sweater Boyz

What if it fought a bear?

When any agent of the sun is in danger, its comrades will come to its aid. The bear could take one of them, but not all.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Dip is gross, sunfish. Why do you spend free time talking about it on a message board. That’s not befitting of a representative of our sun, THE GREATEST SUN IN THE UNIVERSE. WOOOO! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!

 

 

5.5/10

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Gorlok

Gorlok

Around this time two years ago I was in the throes of basketball fever. Fortunately, I survived to rate another day (and several more after that).

Now it’s that time again – March, when a young athlete’s fancy turns to basketballsmanship. Many of the basketball teams engaging in basketball contests this month will be invoking animals as their patron saints. They will seek aid from the husky, the bull, the hawk, the piece of wheat, the Native American human being and many more.[1]

One animal that serves such a role to inspire a team and imbue them with its power? The gorlok.

gorlok

You heard me.

Special powers

The gorlok is a strange creature. It boasts the paws of a speeding cheetah, the horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of the Saint Bernard.[2]

Weaknesses

I don’t think we can really count that last one as a plus. Or else I greatly misunderstood a compliment I was being paid.

Number of legs

Two, plus two arms.

Time and place of birth

The Gorlok was born in 1984 in St. Louis, Missouri. It appreciates the Spice Girls on a much deeper level than you.[3] It thinks it’s involved in regional food disputes that do not concern it.

What if it fought a bear?

That would be a cross-conference match-up and it’s not a rivalry, so we don’t have much of a record to look at to make a prediction. Too close to call.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The gorlok is a mash-up of some dope animals. Something is lost, though, when you take all these bits of good animals out of context, mix them up together, and slap an Archie Andrews style one-giant-letter sweater on it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Well, one or two of those aren’t like the others.

[2]What has science wrought?

[3]Or so it claims, but it also claimed that Jennifer Lawrence was, in its words, “literally me.”

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Tapir

Tapir

This message goes out to that son of a tapir, the tapir. You hear me, tapir? Listen up and listen well, ’cause I don’t want any of the subtleties of this message to slip out of that stupid head of yours.

tapir

Shut your ugly mouth when I’m talking, son.

Normally I don’t do this, tapir, but you’ve been begging for it. You’ve been pleading for it with every time you let that ugly punchable mug of yours out of the bag you keep it in. This isn’t a rating, tapir. This is a mercy-kill and I’m your Dr. Kevorkian.

What even are you? No orgy in the history of sex has been as immediately regretted as the unholy alliance of rhino, horse, and zebra that must have led to you crawling out of the ensuing ooze. Your trunk is too short to do anything of real use, but just long enough to make you one ugly sucker. Those short bristly hairs that cover your whole fat body aren’t doing you any favors either, pal. You look like the Elephant Man of elephants cosplaying as a black-and-white cookie.

Let me be clear. This isn’t just about appearances. I’m not shallow like that, tapir. This is about you being a trashy, classless redneck. You go home each night and look with pride on your wardrobe consisting entirely of Big Dawg sweatshirts and Tweety Bird apparel. “Behind Blue Eyes” is your favorite Who song, tapir. At any given moment in time, I got even odds you’re in a Wal-Mart parking lot with an empty case of PBR, paw hovering over the last button to drunk dial a white girl named Darlene.

More than that, tapir, this is about you being a coward. You’re so dumb and scared of getting wet, you try to dodge your chubby butt through the raindrops.

"Not my toesies!"

“Ooh no, is it safe? I better just touch it with my toesies!”

Meanwhile, and paradoxically, you love mud with your miserable life. You’re nasty, ya dirty bird. You disgust me.

What if it fought a bear?

No bear is gonna get its claws on you, tapir. Not before you feel my heel on your throat as I pose for my new profile picture for social media sites. I’m talking about Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, Farmers Only. I’m gonna beat you so hard it updates MySpace. This is serious.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Do you see what happens when you go up against the best animal rater in the game? Do you see what you get when you antagonize your superior? No, you don’t. Not yet. But you will. I will find you, tapir. I will go anywhere[1] on this blue marble I need to and I will end you.

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Except North Dakota. It knows why.

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Mud turtle

Mud turtle

This week, we here at Rate Every Animal turn our attention to a turtle whose name is mud: the mud turtle. It is not made of mud. It does not prey upon mud. It got its name by losing a wager that it could make that jump. The mud turtle made the fatal mistake of forgetting that it can’t make any jump.

Special powers

It plays this low-key, but the mud turtle is super-strong.

oaxaca mud turtle

Here is a photograph of it lifting a log several times its size off the ground with one claw. It’s a little hard to see at this angle.

The mud turtle can never get lost. It is its own home.

Weaknesses

The mud turtle can’t make any jump.

Also, it suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or S.O.-S.A.D., which requires the use of a special lamp to effectively manage. Just ask anyone who keeps the mud turtle as a pet; they’ll confirm the use of such equipment.

Number of legs

Four.

Varieties

The mud turtle is not one unified species. The creatures under the mud turtle umbrella include:

  • The Tabasco mud turtle: The spicy one.
  • The striped mud turtle: The striped one.
  • The scorpion mud turtle: The mutant one.
  • The Durango mud turtle: A truck.
  • The Alamos mud turtle: The forgotten one.[1]

Wikipedia quote in which turkey cold cuts are a last resort

“As pets they are easy to care for, readily eating commercial turtle foods, feeder fish, worms, or if all else fails, turkey cold cuts. They tend to have ornery yet strangely endearing personalities and enjoy sunning themselves more than other mud turtles.”

This does not mean that the striped mud turtle suns itself more frequently. What it means is that all mud turtles sun themselves, but only the striped mud turtle really gets it, man. It appreciates sunning itself on another level.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

Mark Trail loves turtles

The mud turtle is under the protection of Mark Trail.

What if it fought a bear?

The mud turtle can’t even jump. It’s nowhere near nimble enough to take on a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The mud turtle is a ponderous, sad creature, but a sturdy, gentle one. It resides in its own living house of bones. That’s pretty metal. Even if it weren’t, I couldn’t risk inciting the wrath of Mark Trail.

 

 

8/10

 

 

 

[1]Like some other turtles, its shell has no basement.

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Potoo

Potoo

There’s considerable hubbub right now over what a weird word “hubbub” is. I mean, look at it. Hubbub. Hubbub. Hubbub.

There’s also been some talk about Jimmy Fallon taking over The Tonight Show this week from its previous host, a golem controlled by the sorcerer Jay Leno. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon’s old gig will be handled starting next week by Seth, Egyptian god of storms, chaos, and weekend updates. We humans are not the only ones with late night entertainment. The premier late night program produced by and for animals is hosted by this week’s animal: the potoo.

potoo

Heeeeeere’s Potoo!

Special powers

As a nocturnal bird, the potoo was a natural fit for host of The Nightly Hour Starring Romeo Johanssen.[1] Its only real struggle early on was to fight off its natural instinct to camouflage itself to the set – especially its own desk.

The potoo’s band leader/sidekick/consummate hypeman the howler monkey is also on hand to laugh at things that exist. It has no sense of humor of its own ever since the accident, but it laughs on cue like nobody’s business. This is crucial to its effectiveness because…

Weaknesses

…the potoo’s jokes are terrible. Just terrible. It can make some funny faces, but you eventually get used to all of those if you watch the show much at all.

potoo

Seen it.

Which reminds me; its eyes are huge. It’s great for seeing in the dark, but they are huge targets. The potoo took a real beating in its Three Stooges tribute episode. Under doctor’s orders, it had to do the whole next night blindfolded and flew directly into a stand-up bass.

In the late ’80s, the network moved The Nightly Hour Starring Romeo Johanssen back forty minutes to give a fresh young talent the nightjar a spotlight. The potoo entered a deep depression when this happened. Despite the popularity of its host as a performer in other respects, the nightjar’s program, “Jar!”, crashed and burned in the ratings. Soon enough, the potoo was restored to prominence. Some suspected collusion, as ratings in the South American rain forest are just numbers that the howler monkey shouts at the top of its lungs each morning at ten.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

What if it fought a bear?

The potoo’s go-to move is to sit still and look like a branch. This has little effect as the bear has no moral nor nutritional qualms about eating a branch.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

In the words of the potoo, “Hey, remember Monica Lewinsky?” The howler monkey’s response to this was “Ohhhhh!” This happened in the year 2014 A.D.

 

5/10

 

 

[1]The potoo changed its stage name to something more “Hollywood” after it turned out there was already a potoo in the guild.

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Polar bear

Polar bear

There is a proud[citation needed] history of Olympic mascots, and the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, have continued it. While previous years have featured such animals as the sasquatch, the unblinking camera controlled by the state, and the Izzy, this year the Olympic spirit is represented by a trio of animals – the snow hare, the snow leopard, and the polar bear (considered by many to be the snowiest of the bears).

Sochi Olympics polar bear

I can just hear the John Williams music.

Special powers

The polar bear has a layer of blubber, thick coat, and dense underfur to protect it from the cold of its Arctic home. It has an extensive puffy vest collection as well, but that’s strictly for fashion.

It is one of the largest land carnivores in the world. Larger even than that huge guy you swear you saw the last two times you were at the local all-you-can-eat buffet and it’s like what’s up does he just live there or what? Unlike that guy, the polar bear is an expert swimmer.

Weaknesses

The polar bear is hooked on coke.

goes nuts for the stuff

It loves it.

Its other great weakness is the secret it holds – that it is just a brown bear that got painted white. But don’t tell anybody that, and certainly don’t tell them you heard it from me.

Number of legs

Four.

Insightful Wikipedia quote

Was it in Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back?

Yes. If you had read the Wikipedia quote, you would know that.

Favorite video game

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back.

What if it fought a bear?

It is a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I feel bad I told you the polar bear’s secret. Please don’t blackmail it. It doesn’t deserve that. It has enough problems already, because of The Environment. Oh, and I didn’t mention this before, but it rocks a pretty sweet look.

polar bears looking good

Looking good.

 

 

10/10

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Black house spider

Black house spider

And then along came a spider…

black house spider

Get it? It’s like Along Came Polly, but for a spider.

The black house spider is one of three closely related species, the other two being the grey house spider, which also exists primarily in Australia and New Zealand, and the White House spider, which exists primarily in the District of Columbia.

Special powers

One does not live in Australia or New Zealand without developing serious toughness to survive the daily onslaught of deadly snakes and goblins. The black house spider has some venom. It’s not the strongest stuff, but how strong is your venom? Exactly. Glass houses, bro.

It also has the standard spider ability of web building.

Weaknesses

The flip side of the black house spider’s web-making ability is that it has all the architectural understanding of that guy in your class who tried to make a tower out of single toothpicks stacked end-on-end, Kevin.

Also like Kevin, it has never read a novel to completion.

Number of legs

Eight.

This week in personal anecdotes of Wikipedians who are probably dead now

“I’ve had a great opportunity to study a fine specimen (female, with spiderlings) in my bathroom window for 6 months now. I must confess to feeding her blowflies that foolishly enter the house. My boy and I think it’s better than T.V. to watch her hunt and kill. It was a very exciting event when the hatchling first emerged. They are growing fast – probably tripled in size in the first few weeks. I have observed both mother and children ‘drinking’ from the web when I have a shower and steam up the bathroom. They spread out on the web and glean the little droplets of dew condensating on the strands. All this time, I have never seen the spiderlings eat anything and yet they are growing well. There are fewer than when first hatched. Do they eat each other? They don’t seem interested in the flies I feed her. It’s a mystery to me. I wondered if anyone had any ideas?Shaun Gardner (talk) 23:19, 13 December 2010 (UTC)”

What does Mark Trail think of it?

Mark Trail on spidersWhat if it fought a bear?

The White House spider could just order the bear arrested. The black house spider has no such recourse.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It is man’s staunchest ally in the perpetual war against the insect world.

 

7.5/10

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