Rate Every Animal

May 23 2012

Catfish

Catfish

Let’s make one thing clear up front. The catfish is not a cat.

I mean, yeah, they both have barbels, but almost everything else is different.

The catfish is, like the antlion or flycatcher or woodpecker or elephant seal, named after its preferred prey. There is nothing the catfish enjoys more than slurping down a delicious calico.

Special powers

The catfish’s spines may be stiffened in order to sting its enemies with a certain substance.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately for the catfish, that substance is V8, so while it can be damaging if injected in a vein, the catfish’s foe can foil its attacks just by opening its mouth at the right time.

The catfish is a bottom feeder. There’s no shame in that, but I’m kidding; there is vast shame in that. To facilitate its disgusting behavior, the catfish is negatively buoyant, which has “negative” right in the name.

Number of legs

None.

Timing of national days

National Catfish Day is observed on June 25, as standardized by the 1987 order of the United States government. Before then, its exact location on the calendar varied from region to region and even town to town.

“Yo doggs, we gotta get our —- together on this Catfish Day issue.”

You may wonder why I am not posting this closer to National Catfish Day. The answer is that I prefer to celebrate it privately.

Varieties

There are numerous different kinds of catfish. These include:

Armored catfish, a catfish covered in chainmail. It loves renaissance faires and unnecessary additions of the letter “e.”
Talking catfish, a kind of armored catfish. The only aquatic life who can be understood to ordinary individuals (see Electric eel), provided they speak Esperanto.
Naked catfish, a sex offender.
Electric catfish, who is exactly like the standard catfish, except it must carry an amp with it wherever it goes.
Mekong giant catfish, a catfish from Skull Island.
Aristotle’s catfish, the catfish who was Aristotle’s closest confidante. It’s said by some that Aristotle’s catfish was the true philosopher, and the Greek human was merely its public face. Roland Emmerich told this story by way of allegory in the 2011 film Anonymous.
Sucker catfish, the ugliest and most gullible of all catfish.
Bullhead catfish, the result of a catfish breeding with a minotaur
Catfish Collins, Bootsy Collins’ older brother.

Is it kosher?

Not yet, but the catfish is actively training and petitioning.

What if it fought a bear?

All the bear has to do is unplug it or trick it or pull its chainmail over its head. Only exception is the bullhead catfish, with its mighty horns.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s a gross bottom-feeding weirdo who eats cats. But so was ALF, and he took America by storm. However, we were decidedly less amused when he decided to take America by force.

“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before ALF!”

The catfish: potential threat, definite Cajun-spiced delight.

5/10

May 16 2012

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animals, ignoble, insects

Cockroach

Cockroach

There are many bugs in this world. Too many, one could say. But none are as paranoid as the cockroach. There has been confusion about this, but the cockroach itself is not particularly resistant to radiation. The expansive, well-stocked bunker it’s building is.

Special powers

The cockroach does not have the antennae of other insects, but it compensates with an incredible mustache.

Not pictured: Monocle, twirling.

Weaknesses

Everyone who meets it hates it. As a result, its friend circle is extremely limited.

It loves to frequent Internet comment sections, but is completely reliant on others’ Wi-fi. If you find the cockroach in your own home uninvited, you may need to better protect your network.

Number of legs

Six.

What does it do?

The cockroach spends most of its time working on its doomsday preparations, taking the odd break to go to someone’s apartment or Starbucks or the public library to ask YouTube whatever happened to good music and tell Yahoo! how mad it is that it just read whatever article it just read.

“Back in the day, Hey Arnold was on TV. In 2012, we are all doomed to post-apocalyptic race wars! Share this post if you love America. Only 1 in 3 people can read this.”

After the sun goes down is when the cockroach really gets active. As night falls, it goes out into the world to feed on the dead flesh of fallen animals and fallen fruits. The cockroach detests light. The exception is the Asian cockroach, which is attracted to it, but only “ironically.”

What if it fought a bear?

The cockroach’s only hope is to escape back to its bear-resistant compound.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Despite the similar name and shared insect nature, the cockroach is certainly no cockchafer. It’s barely even Papa Roach. Yeah, its crazy bunker is actually kind of impressive, but for me to join it there, it would have to be my… LAST RESORT.

I expected Horatio Caine.

1.5/10

May 09 2012

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animals, ignoble, marsupials

Kangaroo

Kangaroo

There is much to unravel with the kangaroo. To get at all the secrets its pouch conceals, we will have to go deep into the subject.

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER

I N C A P T A I N

The kangaroo got its start with the kangaroo rat in the mean streets of London. There the two of them ran cons masterminded by the kangaroo rat, with the kangaroo acting largely as muscle. One of their favorites was to enter the kangaroo in boxing matches, only to manipulate the outcome through cheating or taking a fall. Honestly, though, the fact that any Londoner wanted to punch a kangaroo speaks ill of them.

Eventually, Scotland Yard got wise to one of the duo’s more elaborate schemes and arrested them. The plan called for them to ransom Big Ben’s hour hand, so it was probably doomed from the start. The kangaroo rat had started to sample hard drugs at that stage, and its masterminding was beginning to suffer.

And so, the kangaroo was exiled to Australia, where it found itself quite at home among fellow criminals and road warriors. In modern times, it is considered a pest by most, but it’s still on good terms with the road warriors.

Special powers

The kangaroo is an excellent boxer. Its special feet allow it to jump at great speeds and for long distances without tiring. Its pouch hides a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, which would blow your head clean off.

Weaknesses

It is not the sharpest. It went along with all the kangaroo rat’s plans, even the drug-addled, obviously dumb ones. This ties into another weakness it has: the inability to tell right from wrong.

“Duhhhh, what’s morality?” That’s what you sound like, dummy.

Number of legs

Two, kind of. Kind of four. If three, your kangaroo may be injured.

Libelous statement on Wikipedia’s talk page

“This is an ancient system that can also be seen in reptiles today (evidently the kangaroo was to lazy to evolve out of it). Hitthat (talk) 21:09, 5 March 2010 (UTC)”

Spectral presence

People have been perplexed for years by the appearances of the phantom kangaroo, a marsupial apparition which sometimes bounces through this mortal plane. How can this ghastly thing exist while the kangaroo is alive and well?

The answer is still not completely confirmed, but the phantom kangaroo’s distinctive scar on its left eye seems to indicate that it comes from the future or some kind of parallel universe.

Known aliases

According to Wikipedia, “Kangaroos are often colloquially referred to as roos. Male kangaroos are called bucks, boomers, jacks, or old men; females are does, flyers, or jills, and the young ones are joeys.”

In other news, Australians have a lot of time on their hands for talking about kangaroos.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming there’s no money in losing, the kangaroo would win.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I am a harsh but fair judge… unlike the kangaroo court, the kangaroo’s failed attempt to fashion a working tribunal to execute the kangaroo’s will under the guise of justice in the lawless Outback.

The kangaroo is very charming. I’d love to give it a higher rating. But it has made too many poor decisions, and understood none of them. Have fun with the drifting biker gangs, kangaroo, but keep your criminal ways out of my society.

4/10

May 02 2012

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animals, ignoble, reptiles

Komodo dragon

Komodo dragon

There is an island where lives a fascinating creature with a misleading name: the komodo dragon.

Nickname "Dr. Nomodo"

I say misleading because the komodo dragon is not a true dragon. It lacks wings. Its fire-breathing is poor at best. It does, however, love guarding gold.

Special powers

Terrible as it is at it, the komodo dragon does breathe some fire, which is more than most can claim. It is also very very big for a lizard. Its tongue is tremendously talented; it can taste from 800 yards away, detect smells as subtle as 0.01 PU* per million, and play the piano.

The komodo’s tongue prefers old standards and showtunes.

The komodo dragon is also an excellent baker.

Weaknesses

The fire-breathing is really bad. Just really shoddy work. Beyond that, the komodo dragon is terrified to leave its island, much as people with agoraphobia are terrified to go to agoras.

Also, an inability to snap.

Number of legs

Four.

Blood style (on a scale of hot to cold)

The komodo dragon is an ectotherm. It requires external heat in order to remain active. From time to time, it can be self-sufficient by warming itself with its own fire breath. While this would be case closed for a true dragon, this strategy is far from reliable for the komodo. So, it supplements that with other sources of heat, such as Snuggies, lamps, laying on the vent, and freshly baked bread (see Special powers).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Copious amounts of red saliva that the Komodo dragons produce help to lubricate the food, but swallowing is still a long process (15–20 minutes to swallow a goat).”

What if it fought a bear?

If the komodo dragon’s gold was in danger of being stolen by the bear (which is plausible considering the bear’s track record as a thief), it would shut that bear down.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s not hard to see why the komodo dragon doesn’t want to leave its island. It’s a cool place, and surprisingly cozy for a volcanic base (dated though the wood-paneled walls may be). Still, it’s a very insular life to live. And this ties in a bit with its gold, too. How about sharing some of that with the world, komodo dragon? You don’t even have an economy!

Still, it’s a challenge to stay mad at someone who can play “Chopsticks” with its tongue.

7.5/10

*Standing for “Pee-you Units”

Apr 25 2012

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animals, birds, moderately noble

Duck

Duck

I’ve previously discussed the unique ways animals interact with and adapt to their habitats. Perhaps no animal yet rated is more deeply tied with its surroundings than the duck, because the duck made its own. I am speaking, of course, about Duckburg.

Artist's representation

More on that later. For now, let’s dive right in, our webbed feet flailing hilariously above the water as we desperately reach our neck into the depths for that falling bread crumb.*

Special powers

The duck is able to catch that bread crumb. Scrooge McDuck is tremendously wealthy, but evidence suggests that it is not because he is a duck, so that probably doesn’t really count.

Also, swimming. Surprisingly well for a bird. And flight. Exactly as well as one would expect from a bird.

Weaknesses

The duck communicates itself quite poorly, mostly saying unhelpful phrases like “Quack quack.” 16th century Irish farmer Cletus MacDonald was so frustrated by this practice (shared or adopted by a number of other animals on the premises) he was driven insane and himself spoke only in vowels. Consequently, the townspeople burned MacDonald as a heretic. This story is the origin of our nursery rhyme “Jack and Jill,” named for the only two villagers willing to attempt to put him out. (This in turn loosely inspired the 2011 Sandler-Pacino romcom of the same name.)

Adapted for the screen by Nicholas Sparks and Nora Ephron.

Number of legs

Two.

Habitat

The duck originally hails from Old Duckington in the British Isles, but was cast out one February by an overzealous and high-out-of-his-mind St. Valentine reenactor who believed it to be snakes. The duck spread to the four winds, and there has been a diaspora of duck kind ever since. In the 1940s, however, duck united with duck and founded Duckburg in the state of Calisota (43.5 of 54).

Duckburg was meant to be a utopian society, a refuge for ducks around the world to join in one community. The very different personalities of the residents made communal harmony difficult, however. One may observe similar behavior on a micro-level by tossing a bit of bread into a lake and witnessing how the mallard will peck at the white duck, and the white duck will build a tower to hold all the money it makes exploiting the working class bread-divers.

Tragically, in 1975, ATF agents surrounded Duckburg, claiming local entrepreneur Gyro Gearloose was developing weapons of moderate destruction. Duckburg officials decried the allegation as lies perpetuated by noted criminals the Beagle Boys. After an eleven-day standoff, the resulting raid, and the deployment of Gearloose’s WMoD left Duckburg devastated and barely inhabitable.

Pictured here reading schematics he bought from Libyan terrorists.

And so, the duck continues to roam.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear, in a quick TKO.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The duck is frequently very interesting and ambitious. On the other hand, how many times can you hear it go on about “quack”?

7/10

*If you know what the bread crumb is in this metaphor, please write in because I don’t remember.**

**Don’t actually write in.

Apr 17 2012

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animals, mammals, noble

Fainting goat

Fainting goat

This week’s animal has been made a joke and viral e-mail forward, but the fainting goat is much deeper than that.

Look beyond the funny stiff legs.

Special powers

The fainting goat, in response to various stimuli, goes completely stiff in all its muscles. This may seem like a weakness. …Okay, it is.

Weaknesses

The fainting goat, in response to various stimuli, goes completely stiff in all its muscles.

Back to special powers

What appears to be pointless temporary paralysis is actually a side effect of something far more amazing: the fainting goat’s voyages to the spirit world.

The fainting goat’s soul travels easily back and forth between the two realms. As I’m sure you’re aware, time stretches in that plane of reality. So while the fainting goat spends mere seconds frozen in our world, it has time to accomplish numerous things in the spirit world. Its favorite activities include acquiring wisdom from the dead, battling demons, and pranking the Ghost Hunters.

Number of legs

Four, often stiff and unmoving.

How cute is it?

So cute.

But what about those eyes?

Oh. Yeah, those are freaky as heck.

MONSTER.

What if it fought a bear?

No dice. Bears are just as powerful in the spirit world.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Laugh at the fainting goat at your own risk. It might be in a position to save you from a Nazgul.

Not all nine at once though. That'll take twelve goats at least.

But for all this serious spiritual business and astral navigation, the fainting goat is not dour. It’s an amiable little guy who never takes time to brood about having hooves in two worlds. And let’s keep it that way; don’t tell it about all those YouTube users laughing at it. It still hasn’t heard and doesn’t know how to use the Internet.

8.5/10

Apr 11 2012

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animals, birds, ignoble

Secretary bird

Secretary bird

My international readers may not be aware there are four main branches of the United States government: legislative, executive, judicial, and shadow.

Pictured: The judicial branch.

The secretary bird is a key member of the fourth.

Special powers

The secretary bird does not possess many special powers in and of itself. Sure there’s the flight, the beak, the talons. But its greatest powers are vested in it by the authority of the United States government. These include diplomatic immunity, power over CIA, FBI, FDA, AARP and UCLA, a tunnel to Cuba, and a TV capable of airing PBS-Omega, the secret sub-channel within PBS, among other abilities which I wanted to tell you but was censored by [REDACTED].

Weaknesses

Despite its wings, the secretary bird stays primarily on the ground. It claims it’s a simple preference, but rumors indicate it’s because it’s scared of clouds.*

Pictured: A bird not flying

Number of legs

Two.

Role in the shadow government

The secretary bird reports directly to the shadow president, the highest rank in the branch, which performs numerous less public tasks than its executive counterpart.** The secretary bird’s position is roughly parallel to the entirety of the Cabinet wrapped up in one feathered individual. It is the shadow president’s closest advisor and confidante.

Over the years, it has accumulated secrets from numerous high-level officials, which it always keeps until the government officials in question are long dead. Even then, the secretary bird has only revealed these factoids to Illuminati Beat, the inner circle’s self-published ‘zine. Lucky for you, I got a hold of the first quarter 2012 issue. Here’s a few choice tidbits I managed to read before Ms. Winfrey snatched it back:

Jimmy Carter preferred to be called by the nickname POTUS Spunkmeyer. This informed his rap name Young Spunky P.
General Patton bathed in motor oil every eight months or 5,000 miles.
The cigarette-smoking man ate a whole tray of ashes once, just for the YouTube views.
Everyone assumed that shadow president Jorge Washingtron had real steel teeth, but they were just cleverly painted wooden ones.
Frank Sinatra mainly joined the Adjustment Bureau because he was deeply ashamed of his head tattoo of a map of Pangaea and wanted to wear the hat.

Bizarre Wikipedia Quote

“Africans sometimes call it the Devil’s Horse. As such it has often not been molested, although this is changing as traditional observances have declined.[7]”

What if it fought a bear?

The Extra-Secret Service is there to make sure the secretary bird never has to worry about this.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I don’t agree with the actions of many shadow administrations – [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]: A Tail of Two Kitties, to name two – but the secretary bird has done its job (and stomped its mouse prey) so efficiently throughout the years, I have to grudgingly give it my respect. So, I’m going to finally go with…

[REDACTED]/10

*The secretary bird once posted, then hastily deleted a tweet declaring cumulonimbus “tyrant of the monster-sky.”

**Dick Cheney was the only shadow president to hold the office of vice president at the same time. In something of an existential crisis, he voluntarily vacated his records from both positions upon realizing that he was a replicant with all the memories of the original Cheney.

Apr 04 2012

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animals, ignoble, mammals

Dolphin

Dolphin

The dolphin might seem friendly, seeing as it is always smiling all the time, but it’s really super-fake, seeing as it is always smiling all the time.

Bottlenose? More like brownnose.

It gets that lustrous silver look by hitting up the dolphin tanning salon every dang week. And while it’s a mammal, it’s completely hairless; do you think that just happened by accident? Obsessive plucking, friend.

Special powers

The dolphin is supposedly quite smart, vapid though it may act. It has connections to celebrities.

That's SIR Elton John to you.

It is also a master of echolocation, thanks to an organ in its head named the melon – so-called because of its round shape, firm yet juicy texture, and fruity taste.

The dolphin also displays a level 6 healing factor. It has no memory of where this would have come from, but many speculate it’s from the same place as the scratched out serial code on its skeleton and assassin personality.*

Weaknesses

Other animals have frequently maligned the dolphin for its shallowness. For example, right to the dolphin’s face, the fox mocked the dolphin’s “Bravo: Watch What Happens” tattoo. It’s a hypocrite, though, considering its own “We Know Drama” shoulder ink.

Plus, its connections to celebrities are often exaggerated.

It met him once and still swears it used to be his carrier.

Number of legs

No.

Accomplishments

The dolphin repeatedly aided the crew of the seaQuest and its commander Elijah Wood.

The dolphin, on itself

“I’m really very sweet and generous. Heck, ask my buddy Ryan Reynolds. He was saying it just the other day at his party. Oh, you were there? That’s crazy. I was totally there; it is weird we didn’t see each other. I spent a lot of time upstairs. It was kind of a smaller thing. Close friends only. Every celebrity has a party within the party. I can’t believe Ry-Ry didn’t introduce us. That’s so like him, that rascal.”

Thank you, seaQuest, for the translation services that made this section possible.

What if it fought a bear?

The dolphin learned to fight from Real Housewives shows. Its wine-throwing strategy is no match for the bear’s preferred mauling strategy. There is, however, one exception:

If the dolphin has been trained by George C. Scott to assassinate the President of the United States, and also the United States has elected a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dolphin is said to be extremely intelligent. But think about it. It’s not as smart as the human, and if you think real hard, I’m sure you can think of some really dumb humans.

5.5/10

*Triggered by the codeword… Well, I shouldn’t say, but it rhymes with “You must leave the chateau.” The program thought Joe Millionaire would last forever.

Mar 28 2012

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animals, mammals, moderately noble

Cheetah

Cheetah

Merriam-Webster defines the cheetah as something that never prospers. Anyone who knows the cheetah knows that this simply isn’t true.

The cheetah doesn’t wield the organizational power and influence of the lion, but it does have an extensive personal fortune at its disposal, thanks to its ongoing success in racing.

Special powers

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal on the globe. The only real competition at its level are history’s most elite racers. The cheetah has had particularly intense rivalries with Burt Munro, Seabiscuit (Tobey Maguire), Usain Bolt the Legfreak*, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, Takashi the Drift King, Twista, the echidna, Captain Douglas Falcon, Racer X, Mario Andretti, and Wario Andretti.

Douglas rued the day he asked the cheetah to "show {him} {his} moves."

The last rival nearly ended the cheetah’s career in 1994 with an illegal koopa shell maneuver, but the cheetah has since returned to the sport faster than ever, completing the dreaded Kessel Run in a mere 10.4 parsecs.

Weaknesses

Besides low-down, desperate stunts with koopa shells, not much can slow the cheetah down. The tragic irony is that its inability to slow down is exactly what strains its relationships with family and friends.**

Number of legs

Four.

Vocalization

It has been said by many seemingly reputable sources that the cheetah can not roar. The truth is that it can, but it chooses not to. Between you and me, I think it just knows that the lion is better at it and is just too embarrassed to even try. Not that the cheetah would ever admit such an insecurity.

Fur characteristics

Speaking of things the lion does better, did you know there is such a thing as a cheetah mane?

The cheetah is a rarity in the animal kingdom: a camera whore. It nets you cool poses like this.

The cheetah has one only as a youth, however, as it falls out in adolescence in a sort of mirror of the lion gaining one in puberty. Both big cats celebrate the occasion of gaining or losing a mane as a symbol of the transition from cubhood to adulthood. And that’s what a cat mitzvah is.

Leadership prophecy

“Into every generation a king cheetah is born: one cheetah in all the world, a chosen one. He alone will wield the speed and skill to do the really, really big loop we built. On this basis, he shall lead us.”

The cheetah seer’s words have been proven true thus far. How effective a leader the king cheetahs have been and whether building the loop was a waste of resources: these are up for debate.

What if it fought a bear?

With getaway sticks like those, it doesn’t need to stand and fight anybody.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

While the cheetah is devoted to the purity of the sport of racing, in all other aspects of its life, it is sorely lacking in moral compunction. Witness its crumbling personal life, its constant gazelle-killing, its frequent pranks on unwitting drive-thru operators, etcetera. But under all the bravado and emotional distance, there’s a very fuzzy kitty underneath.

Isn't there? Isn't there, boy?

7.5/10

*Please consult the blobfish post for more on Bolt and his fellow Freaks.

**Coming this summer to USA. Characters welcome.

Mar 21 2012

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animals, birds, noble

Ostrich

Ostrich

Contact the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, ’cause I’ve got a highly contagious and possibly terminal case of basketball fever!

This is, after all, March, the time such cases are reported across the nation. Studies show that workplace productivity is greatly reduced during these thirty-one days as human resources personnel are forced to hire and train numerous replacements for the employees who die off in this annual culling of the basketball-weak.

Considering my current ill health, it only makes sense that I should discuss one of the greatest players to step onto the court: the ostrich.

Special powers

The ostrich has an incredible game in the low post on both sides of the ball.

It has a great jump shot. Given its lack of arms, jump shots are a large proportion of the shots it takes.

Weaknesses

Free throws. The ostrich still uses the “granny shot.” Weirdly, it bowls with perfect free throw mechanics.*

It also has a tendency to stick its head into the ground when it becomes overstressed. You don’t want to try that on the hardcourt; that’s for sure.

And, it’s bad at bowling.

Number of legs

Two.

Mr. Hoops Hoops Corner for Hoops Talk

One of the symptoms of basketball fever is an overwhelming desire to analyze that beautiful game. The ostrich has had a long and illustrious career so far, which has allowed him to play with many of the greats, including:

Michael Jordan, who would refuse to blink before the player defending him, leading to his nickname “Stare Jordan.”
Larry Bird, the ostrich’s cousin.
Shaqbeth, or “The Scottish Player,” as locker room superstition requires him to be called.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the actor.
Charles Barkley, who bullied the ostrich by placing donuts around its neck.
Julius Erving, the physician.
Carlos Boozer, who played with the ostrich only one season, but hated it so much he to this day punctuates every made shot with a proclamation of “Mors struthio camelus!” which is Latin for “Death to the ostrich!”

The ostrich's greatest enemy. Did you know he is a literal Howdy Doody style puppet?

Wikipedia Talk Page Asks

In this case, there actually is an answer to the question posed in this section, which will be found below.

“Is the trivia on a box of breakfast cereal [1] really considered to be a valid citation? -Dayv 15:25, 25 May 2007 (UTC)”

Wikipedia Talk Page Answers

“Yes.”

This revelation has a number of upsetting implications, especially for celebrity elves Snap and Pop – namely that they really are trapped in a labyrinth only Crackle can solve by spotting the differences between images.

What if it fought a bear?

Maybe the one animal able to take the ostrich down in one-on-one** is the bear. That’s why they call it Bear Jordan.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

How can I think of rating the ostrich at a time like this, when my days may be numbered thanks to the basketball fever raging through my body?

No. I must rate. I can not let the fever basketbeat me. If I do die, let it be said that I went out rating.

But hopefully I take some antibiotics and this clears right up. I think I’ll go do that now.

9.5/10

*And the bumpers up.

**Though because of the ostrich’s better assist numbers and generosity with the rock, team play is another matter.

Rate Every Animal

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Catfish

Cockroach

Kangaroo

Komodo dragon

Duck

Fainting goat

Secretary bird

Dolphin

Cheetah

Ostrich

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