Hornet

Hornet

There are many wasps in this world. The hornet does not seem at first blush to be a remarkable one. But that’s because the first time you’re blushing at it, you don’t yet know about its successful restaurant business.

Special powers

The hornet is a very successful restauranteur. Below are just a few of the signature menu items at the hornet’s restaurant, sqüeeze.

 

APPETIZERS

 

Clams A l’Orange

Octopus Hearts A Cappella

Braised Duckling Feet in Bernaise Madoff

Chicken Finger and Pork Wing Platter

Chowder of the Day

Deep-fried Pork Belly Sliders

Honey-smoked Nacho Zingers

Pan-seared Orlando Salmon Flip-floppers

Beer-soaked Tequila Balls

 

MAIN

 

Sierra Nevada Battered Tilapia Cones

Re-pickled Goose Butt in Udon Alfredo

Goat’s Nodes a la Larry King

Barbecue Onion Nublets in a Cider Glaze

The Rabbit‘s Gambit

Chef’s Trio (pigeon, robin, and gerbil hog-tied to the railroad by a fiendish rogue with a list of demands)

Chicken-Fired Travel Cup Gravy Guzzler

Desultory Land Mussels In An Air Salt, Rock Salt, and Fire Salt Embalming

Sun-Dried Filet of Stork Leather On A Bed of Bone Marrow Salsa

Surf ‘n’ Turf (Angus steak and a skewer of Collin shrimp, with Steve potatoes prepared your way)

Turf ‘n’ Surf (our classic Surf ‘n’ Turf, in reverse)

East Virginia Brisket Splinters Drizzled With Hyper-Butter

Crisis on Infinite Turfs

Tarragon-Dashed Brussels Sprout Pockets Parmaggiano

Fair Trade Techno-Organic Cyber-Salad

Decanted Reducted Infused Disembodied Thai Peanut Un-Vapor

Slip-off-the-bone Rybz: An Authentic Simulacrum Sprinkled With Bacon-Inspired Protein Krunches®

Genuine World-Famous Sink Chunks

 

DESSERTS

 

Wasabi Rice Sorbet With One Fist-Sized Almond On Top

Barrel-aged Vanilla Mint Session

Vanilla-crusted Cedar Plank Barrel (serves 20)

Crème Braise Frisson Brulet Fraîche

Fudge-Sized Personal Pan Cereal-Style Marshmallow

LA KISS Presents Terminal Cancer By Chocolate

 

WINE

 

2012 Mad Australian Cabernet: A patois of plum and reveille, with notes of fetid armories.

2005 Bitches’ Gumbo Red: The wine of an illiterate, served in the commemorative Yoda cup of an imbecile.

2011 Chateau du Monde: A generous flim-flam, reconstituted and coronated for a new generation.

2009 Latverian Riesling: Supple with the piquant brine of a beloved janitor’s lanyard. A revelation for the trained mustache palate.

2008 Art Brut White: Connoisseurs of Grandmother’s dustiest cupboard will detect a hypothesis of marsh jewels.

2011 Grandeur Merlot: A tickle from a consumption-stricken youth born into wealth, followed by an afterthought of shame.

2008 Pellegrino: Heightens the senses, unseats the powerful, walks on the ceiling.

2001 Fellini White: The cast of J*A*G spits in your mouth.

2004 Greble Chardonnay: A resplendent slurry of false memories of vegetables that never were. Finish of Game of Thrones spoilers.

2002 Really Nice Wine: A really nice wine.

Weaknesses

The hornet is vulnerable to gasoline, napalm, dynamite, and missiles. This is not a comprehensive list.

The mortal hornet

The hornet can be physically destroyed.

Number of legs

Six.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No.

What if it fought a bear?

As there are no honey-based disagreements between the hornet and bear, they have no quarrel.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I know people like the hornet’s restaurant, but I just don’t get it. Sorry.

 

 

7/10

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Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 - Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.


2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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Halibut

Halibut

San Diego Comic-Con was this past weekend, a time when our favorite corporate overlords release information about new entertainments to which we can look forward. This year, there were some juicy scoops, and I’ve got the best ones right here…

  • In the ongoing saga of Batman v. Superman, Superman filed the paperwork to countersue the Gotham vigilante.

  • We got our first look at the Dexter movie, continuing the adventures of the Showtime serial serial killer killer. In the exclusive footage, we witness the following dialogue…

CIA OPERATIVE: Dexter, we need you back – now more than ever!

DEXTER: I’m out of the game. I kill trees now, not men.

CIA OPERATIVE: This isn’t a man we’re talking about. It’s a monster.

DEXTER: Just when I thought I was a lumberjack, they pull me back in.

  • The dark, gritty live-action Grape Ape reboot is moving forward, finally handling the source material with the gravity it deserves. Michael Bay is attached to produce.

  • LEGO Entourage: The Video Game will get a downloadable expansion pack called Turtle’s Big Day.

  • In the proud tradition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Blues Brothers 2000, Psycho II, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and The Rage: Carrie 2 (each everyone’s favorite in their respective series), the long-awaited sequel to Saving Private Ryan, titled Ryan: Shadow’s Legend, will at last hit the silver screen and doubtlessly be even greater than the first!

  • A man in glasses announced just some real nerdy business I didn’t understand.

  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson carefully and patiently explained over and over again that his show is non-fiction and that he didn’t need to come up with what “feels” his “character” would be experiencing. George Takei was on hand to repeat any science facts with added bacon references and Internet memes.

  • Fans rallied to demand a sixteenth season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation in hopes of getting one step closer to the promise of “twenty-nine seasons and a movie, and the Tarantino episode doesn’t count!”

  • The new writer of the Green Lantern comic assured fans that the titular hero will be a “strong male character, as deadly as he is handsome.”

  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Origins will explore over five to nine television seasons the period before the marital problems or the Doubtfire disguise.

  • Doctor Who’s title will be corrected to its original intention, Doctor When. “It’s embarrassing that we’ve gone this long without fixing that,” admitted one producer.

  • Just in time for its fortieth anniversary, The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty will return, exclusively on Zune.

  • After a long period being non-canon, the halibut is returning to continuity.

Let’s focus in on the last one.

Special powers

It might seem like the halibut was never gone, but that’s because its reintegration into our reality is being done as a retcon, or “retroactive con.” The story and our memories now are that it was always around, but the truth is it was tied up in rights issues for years.

The halibut will be mostly unchanged from the old version. It is still the black and white cookie of the sea, thanks to its dark top and white bottom. It can still time travel. It can still make bubbles. It is still bigger than you probably think – weighing up to hundreds of pounds.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Weaknesses

Not everything is the same, though. Some of the halibut’s more ridiculous special powers have been stripped away, in an effort to streamline the fish and make it more relatable. Itno longer has super-hypnosis, phasing, the penance stare, or the ability to pull physical items out of its own thought balloons.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The halibut shares a birthday with

  • Theedge, guitarist for U2

  • Gordon Darkhand, who many assume to be a twisted copy of Gordon Lightfoot, but it’s actually the other way around.

  • Colin Powell

What if it fought a bear?

Original Halibut could destroy the bear in a heartbeat. Rebooted Halibut would need eight to ten rounds to win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Welcome back, halibut. It’s like you never left.

 

7.5/10

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Coral snake

Coral snake

As I’m sure you all know, I am on the forefront of hot trends in facial hair. The latest, buzziest style is coral snakes on your doggone face.

This is so in right now.

This is so in right now.

You can personalize your coral snake to express your individuality.

You can personalize your coral snake to express your individuality.

Special powers

Unlike most things fashion has told us to put on our head, the coral snake poses a risk of venomous bite. To know whether you’re in danger, just look at the pattern of the colored stripes on its body and repeat the classic rhyme. “Red touches yellow, you’re a dead fellow. Red touches black, you’re dead, Jack. Red touches blue, you’re dead, too. Red touches brown, you’re dead in the ground. Red touches green, this place is now a crime scene. Red touches gray, HEY! Guess what, you’re dead.”

And fun fact about that venom: the FDA-approved antivenom hasn’t been produced in the U.S. since 2003, because it’s not profitable to make more. Sleep tight!

Weaknesses

The coral snake was signed to Cash Money Records in 2010 and we still ain’t seen that album. What’s up, coral snake? Where’s the album at?

Number of legs

None at all.

Drink of choice

Stout.

Celebrity birthdays

The coral snake shares a birthday with

  • George Washington Carver, inventor of the peanut

  • Kevin Pollack, the famous painter

  • and Zack Morris, master of time itself!

What if it fought a bear?

It would never fight the bear. It looks too good wrapped around its ears and brow.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The coral snake looks great. On the other hand, it might bite you in the face and sink its venom into the snakebite that’s on your face now. Looking good comes at a price.

 

8/10

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Caiman

Caiman

Sometimes you want an alligator, but you don’t want, like, a WHOLE alligator, you know what I mean? For times like that, there’s a smaller, sportier model: the caiman.

dwarf caiman

There’s more of it under the water. Not too much though.

Special powers

It has been described by a RapGenius editor as “dripping Swagu (an attempt to tie swag to high-end aspirational brand Ragu).”

Weaknesses

The caiman has a poor fashion sense, especially compared to its otherwise nerdy cousin the gharial.

This slayed at Paris.

A hat made of your own young? Now that’s sartorial creativity!
(Photo by Udayan Rao Pawar)

Number of legs

Four.

Favorite video game

Glover.

What if it fought a bear?

The caiman claims to be a pacifist, but is actually a coward.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I know up there I framed being a smaller substitute for the alligator as a good thing. But the caiman just doesn’t satisfy. You’re just gonna need another in a couple hours; you know what I mean? Plus, it usually hates the capybara, and an enemy of the capybara is an enemy of this blog.

 

 

3/10

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Tortoise beetle

Tortoise beetle

The tortoise beetle knows your secrets.

When intelligence operatives talk about sweeping a room for bugs, it’s bugs like the tortoise beetle that they’re talking about. Many bugs are nosy, but the tortoise beetle takes snooping to another level.

Special powers

The tortoise beetle is so good at spying, it even has information on the CIA, and we here at Rate Every Animal have the exclusive scoop on what it has found.[1] Specifically, it has discovered an internal document that details CIA plans for its future tweets, such as:

  • “Don’t tell anyone but sometimes we hide our most sensitive secrets in Pharrell’s big hat.”

  • “Trust us, we listened in to all of that foreign national Borat’s calls. We learned a lot about… HIS WIIIIFE!”

  • “Our unofficial motto is: And you shall know the truth and the truth shall get in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said you’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.” (note: more than 140 characters. Can we apply for an exemption? Look into it.)

  • Could we get “drone’d” trending as a synonym/replacement for “pwned?”

  • “bae: come over

    me: I can’t

    bae: Osama bin Laden is here.

    me: *leaves roadrunner style dust cloud*”

  • “Kill list? Nah, all we’ve got is a trill list! ;)”

  • Intelligence suggests Grumpy Cat could be paid to pose for photographs. Maybe do something with that?

  • “I can haz South American #coup?”

  • “Waaaaaassssuuuuup! Remember? Like in the commercial? I can only feel anything any more by torturing a human being.”

Rarely, a golden tortoise beetle will be born. The golden tortoise beetle is said to grant wishes to those precious few lucky enough to discover it. This has never been confirmed by science, but a living bug made of metal would certainly seem to be magic of some kind.

Weaknesses

The tortoise beetle is still using MS-DOS at home. It pretends it’s making a statement and that it’s better somehow, but everyone knows it’s just scared to try to learn a new system.

Number of legs

Six.

Did I find something mentally scarring in a University of Florida article about the tortoise beetle?

Yes, and here it is.

tortoise beetle larva's anal fork

Guess what it’s for. Nope, just as gross though.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear can smush the tortoise beetle in normal circumstances. One made of gold, however. That might be enough to chip a tooth.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The tortoise beetle is quite attractive for an insect. It also violates everyone’s privacy on the reg. Fortunately, it doesn’t usually release those secrets, but then again it told me all about the CIA’s twitter. It’s probably best to stay on its good side.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Eat your heart out, Julian Assange.

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Horse

Horse

Life ain’t all mint juleps and large hats. Believe it or not, the horse exists all year round, even on the high holy days. If people who like the horse are to be believed, it is the most important creature in the world.[1] It is certainly quite magnificent if you ignore its crazy eyes.

Special powers

The horse is a fast animal – so famous is its speed that if you look closely, you’ll find the word “horse” hidden within the word “horsepower.” The horse is a powerful animal, capable of pulling all manner of heavy objects – hence why we measure towing capacity in “horsespeed.”

But let’s get back to that impressive speed. Every single Kentucky Derby has been won by the horse, except for one year when it was won by a mysterious floating orb.[2]

Due to its above qualities and strong sense of justice, the horse frequently serves as a law enforcement officer.

HORSE LAW

HORSE LAW

It typically carries around a human assistant who can handle any speaking, writing, or hat-wearing duties.

Weaknesses

Speech. Writing. The wearing of hats.

There is a critical hole in the horse’s defenses: it can be controlled through mental communication.

Can't go wrong.

The perfect plan.

If that fails, it will do literally anything for oats.

Number of legs

Four

Phrases

The horse has been a prominent figure throughout history. The Lewis & Clark expedition, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the invention of the telephone, the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings, and Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali’s 1971 fight all took place with all the participants on horseback. Naturally, the horse has worked its way into many of our most enduring idioms. Below I have collected some of the most famous ones, along with their explanations:

One-horse town: Before adopting the star rating it uses today, Zagat would rate businesses on a scale of five horses. This term describes a city with a poor average Zagat rating.

Don’t put the cart before the horse: If the horse were presented with the garbage we have it pull around, it would fly into a blind rage. This phrase is comparable to “Ignorance is bliss.”

High horse: When you take the same position a marijuana-addled horse would take, you are “getting on your high horse.”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: The horse is a deeply responsible designated driver.

Trojan horse: If you can’t understand what your horse is saying, it may be speaking an ancient language of west Turkey.

Beating a dead horse: This is a sick thing to do. This is messed up.

A horse of a different color: Sometimes a horse will be a different color than yours and you will murder your neighbor in a jealous fury.

Straight from the horse’s mouth: Sometimes if you reach into the horse’s mouth, you will find prizes like gumballs, stuffed animals, or keys to a nnnneww caaaaaaar!

Look a gift horse in the mouth: If you check the horse’s mouth before you reach in, that’s cheating.

Hold your horse’s mouth: Horse-owners are obsessed with horse mouths.

Nightmare: A kind of female horse who enters your dreams as a psychic vampire.

This is the end of this list.

The horse in the future

Could the horse be replaced in the future by a mechanical simulacrum?

mechanical horse from 1933

Scientists say no, and stop asking so many questions and how did I get that photograph give them that right now get out of their office.

What if it fought a bear?

Unfortunately, the bear is a master of mental communication ever since it ate a psychic. The horse would quickly become its unwitting pawn. Unless of course we could engineer a horse who didn’t have an organic mind – only a computer. Perhaps such a creature would resemble a big metal bug. Yeah, now we’re onto something…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The horse is beloved, and for good reason. Well, fairly good reason. It isn’t actually made of Heaven’s love like some horse-owner hymns say. Mainly it’s made of bones and horse-guts. But don’t let my instinct to push back against their hyperbole take away from the horse’s many good traits.

As they say in the Derby: saddle away!

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]“Every precious horse life is worth a hundred human souls. May every beautiful horse soar to immortality on the land-wings God has granted and man has girded with iron. (One and every one!)” – famous horse-owner call and response

 

[2]“ORB IS GREAT. ORB IS GOOD. ALL HAIL ORB.” read the headline. On the next day, nobody remembered writing it.

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Silverfish

Silverfish

This animal, this silverfish, is the worst thing to ever be made of silver. Most of the time something is only made out of silver if it really seems worth making. That calculus never entered into the creation of the silverfish.

Special powers

It’s not all bad, of course. Being made of metal, it is one of the most durable insects around. And it’s good with cross-stitch.

Weaknesses

The silverfish is a commitment-phobe and social coward. Science has studied its methods for avoiding obligations of friendships and ending relationships entirely, and discovered another fifty ways to leave one’s lover, in addition to the first set enumerated by Dr. Paul Simon. Some of these new entries include:

1. Text her, Dexter

2. Start a G-chat, Matt

3. Hit unfollow, Waldo

4. Call a conference, Hortense

5. Make up a story, Corey

6. Pretend you’re sick, Nick

7. Take the fire escape, Snape

8. Resort to defenestration, Nathan

9. Use a decoy, Troy

10. Fake your own death, Beth

11. Tie hundreds of balloons to your pants, Lance

12. Hide in the trash, Ash

13. Become a hobo, Joe

14. Be a huge jerk, Dirk

15. Walk into the sea, Lee

16. Snap into a slim, Jim

17. Fall in a latrine, Gene

18. Say you lost a bet, Rhett

19. Replace yourself with a robot, Scott

20. Walk like you got crab knees, Dabney

21. Ride a T. Rex, Lex

22. Take the form of a bat, Pat

23. Buy a full-page color ad, Brad

24. Tell her in rhyme, Jeff

25. Hold court, Voldemort

26. Go screw, Andrew

27. Jump up your own butt, Helmut

Besides being a bad friend and worse romantic partner, the silverfish is shiftless and physically feeble.

Number of legs

Six.

Favorite video game

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

Online presence

The silverfish accesses the Internet solely through apps. It uploads Vines of its meals as they’re cooking (usually Ramen mid-boil), takes Instagrams of ceiling fans, and tweets vague statements of emotion with excessive ellipses.

silverfish

“So I guess it’s like that today huh…………. I don’t need this anyway………..”

What if it fought a bear?

It would run away, Faye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Even the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish[1]) is better than the silverfish.

 

1/10

 
 

[1]Until I come across a worse fish. It’s like Taken said in The Phantom Menace, “There’s always a worse fish.”

 
 

Programming note: This blog will take off one to two weeks, but will return with our big 150th review spectacular. Stay tuned!

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Wombat

Wombat

We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.

symphony_of_the_night_1

But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.

Weaknesses

It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs

Four.

Home

The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.

 

 

9.5/10

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