Nudibranch

Nudibranch

The nudibranch is happy you’re here.

“Welcome to my rating.”

“Welcome to my rating.”

Special powers

The nudibranch is very colorful.

nudibranch1

I don’t know if that really counts as a “special power.”

nudibranch3

But I like it.

nudibranch4

Weaknesses

The nudibranch’s simple eyes are useful for little more than distinguishing dark and light.

Furthermore, it lacks the protective shell that often comes standard in animals of this sort. And regardless of how much the nudibranch talks it up, optional satellite radio is not a satisfactory substitute.

Number of legs

None.

Role models

Just one: Turok the Dinosaur Hunter.

Aliases

Nudey, Dude-ibranch, Rude-ibranch, The Turok Liker.

Hobbies

It’s not exactly a hobby, but the nudibranch spends a LOT of time emulating Turok the Dinosaur Hunter in every aspect of its life it knows how.

Favorite video game

Bubble Bobble.

Super Bowl Storylines To Watch

  1. Which teams are playing?

  2. When is the game and how can I watch it? Or is it on the radio?

  3. Who has the “joe-mentum” going into the game?

  4. Which player likes Skittles the most?

  5. Will this be Peyton Manning’s last Coldplay concert?

  6. Can Carolina’s defense contain their excitement when they hear the pre-game music or will it get them too hyped and they’ll have to lay down and calm down?

  7. Where is everybody running so fast?

  8. Why are the bees disappearing?

  9. Who died and made special teams so special?

  10. What are the names of everyone who has ever died?

What if it fought a bear?

The nudibranch’s combat focus is purely dinosaur-based. The bear would confound it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Have fun watching the big game!

 

 

9.5/10

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Plesiosaur

Plesiosaur I’d like to apologize for the extended holiday break the blog took. I hope I still remember how to do one of these. If I’m not mistaken, I start out by saying the name of the plesiosaur.

large_nicholson_plesiosaur.jpg

Then there’s probably a picture of it, but God only knows what this thing I write underneath it is for.

Special powers Wait, hang on. This is too soon for this part. I think I describe it in general terms just a little bit. The plesiosaur is an enormous, extinct marine reptile. Many people incorrectly think it is a dinosaur, but although the plesiosaur passed the qualification exam, it never actually applied for its dinosaur license. It looks a lot like Nessie. Okay, that’s enough, right? Special powers The plesiosaur can swim. It can swim beautifully, in perfect sync with classical music. Weaknesses The plesiosaur is terrible at Simon. That wouldn’t normally be worth bringing up, but it plays Simon every single day and has never gotten even a little bit better. It’s baffling. Number of legs None? I doubt the flippers count. Prize possession The plesiosaur treasures the only scarf it could find that would fit its long, long neck: an infinity scarf. …Alright, what’s next? What if it fought a bear? Ugh, this again? Is it noble? Yes. Final rating Do you remember what this bit is based on? Seems awfully arbitrary. It’s a living creature – or was, in this case. It seems crass to reduce it to a number.     7.5/10

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Drongo

Drongo

The drongo may appear demonic, but it is a wholly earthborn fiend.

Hell is not responsible for this.

Hell is not responsible for this.

The drongo uses alarm calls when there is no predator in the area to scare off other animals so the drongo can swoop in and eat the food they left in their panic. It will even mimic other species’ calls to accomplish its nefarious purposes. Basically the drongo took shouting “fire” in a crowded theatre and made that its primary way of life.

Special powers

The drongo is an impressive impressionist.

It can fly.

Weaknesses

The drongo is a compulsive liar. It claimed to have made a full court basketball shot. It claimed to have an uncle who works at Nintendo who told him MISSINGNO was playable in Super Smash Bros. It claimed to speak Portuguese. It claimed it invented Facebook. It claimed bears are just big raccoons. It claimed to be the inspiration for the lyrics of Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better.” It claimed to have been in line first.

All these claims have been rated Pants on Fire by PolitiFact.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

The drongo sold me what it purported to be just that, but its tag describes it as a “Boinie Babby” by “Tyy Inc.” So, I’m inclined to guess no.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has heard the lies the drongo spread about it, and it will have vengeance.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The drongo has been lying so long, it doesn’t even know itself what is real any more.

 

 

 

2/10

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Quokka

Quokka

The quokka is the happiest, goest, and luckiest animal this side of the giraffe.

And it's easy to tell. [Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

And it’s easy to tell.
[Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

Special powers

The quokka has no fear of humans.

Weaknesses

The quokka has no fear of humans.

quokka3Number of legs

Four.

History

The quokka was one of the first Australian animals that Europeans encountered. They mistook it variously for a cat or a big rat. They had no idea the weirdness they were in for. The quokka is an introductory course compared to the other stuff Australia has to offer.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

I wish.

What if it fought a bear?

It would likely be just as delighted with this development as the last.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Look at that face.

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

 

8.5/10

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Slug

Slug

It’s the sea slug of the land. It’s the naked snail. But what is it on its own terms?

It's slug!

It’s slug!

Well, yes, it’s slug.

Special powers

Anyone who witnesses the slug making love will become unable to eat or sleep for an extended period of time. The physical effects are temporary, but the psychological damage is forever.

Weaknesses

As the slug grows up, it undergoes a rite of passage known as torsion, in which its gut-parts up and move to the other side of its innards, moving its anus to up above its head for no readily apparent reason. I blame the impossible anus-on-head standards in the slug magazines and TV shows.

Also, it gets dangerously dry if it neglects to moisturize or is exposed to its kryptonite, salt.

Number of legs

None.

Drink of choice

The slug specifically loves Coke at McDonald’s, but risks its life to even enter given the mass quantities of salt found there. Also, people aren’t usually happy to see it at any eatery.

What if it fought a bear?

Advantage bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The slug’s weakness is embarrassingly common. Any chump within thirty feet of a kitchen can be its Lex Luthor. I’d be tempted to do just that, but I know that killing it won’t erase the memories of its sex tape from my mind. Nothing but my own death will – and that’ll take a lot more salt.

 

 

 

4/10

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Sun bear

Sun bear

The time has come to cover another of the sun’s avatars. Today, I give you: the sun bear.

Special powers

The aspect of the sun that the sun bear represents is its heat. Do not anger the sun bear. Do not hug the sun bear. Do not french kiss the sun bear.

The reason for that last one is unrelated to its thermodynamic powers.

The reason for that last one is unrelated to its thermodynamic powers.

According to the Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals, the sun bear “is an expert at getting bees’ nests out of trees.” This was a real wake-up call to me on the relative narrowness of what I think of as skills one could be called an “expert” at.

Also, it has a real long tongue and is great at climbing.

Weaknesses

The sun bear is the smallest of the bears at around 4 feet, 110 pounds. It developed its superb climbing skills so it wouldn’t have to ask for help to reach honey jars on the top shelf.

It has to share the nickname of “honey bear” with the kinkajou, who isn’t even a real bear. But due to the terms of a bet, it has a one-week-on, one-week-off partial custody of the moniker.

Number of legs

Four.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

He won't shut up about it.

He won’t shut up about it.

What if it fought a bear?

The sun bear has everything a bear has, minus size plus the heat of the sun. It wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The power of a bear, the heat of the sun, the dopey honey-loving personality of a pooh. Put it all together, what have you got? The sun bear. That should have been obvious, given the subject of the review.

 

 

9/10

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Sandhopper

Sandhopper

There are many hoppers. Grass. Sky. Fire. Heart. And the sandhopper.

If sand needs hopping, here's your man animal.

If sand needs hopping, here’s your man animal.

Special powers

The sandhopper’s signature move is leaping high into the air. Of all jumpers, it is one of the greatest at the act of jumping high.

Weaknesses

Though it jumps very high, the sandhopper has no directional control while doing so. I mean, beyond the vague idea of “up.” It’s got that one down. I mean, not “down.” You get the idea.

Beyond that, the sandhopper doesn’t know much.

Also, one antenna is much longer than the other. How dare it.

Number of legs

In an unprecendented moment for Rate Every Animal, I don’t actually know. I researched for entire minutes, and was unable to find the answer. I’m sorry I let you down.

Prize possession

The sandhopper’s prize possession is an Easy-Bake Oven with “THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS” written on it.

Potent quotables

“My favorite band is Various Artists. Only right answer. ‘Variety is the spice of life.’ – Anonymous.” – the sandhopper

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no reason to fear the sandhopper’s random jumping.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I find this dim-witted, uncontrollably-blasting-into-the-air crustacean rather charming, really. That asymmetrical antenna is gonna drive me crazy, though.

 

 

8.5/10

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John Dory

John Dory

Most animals don’t have human-style names. When they do, it’s often one a human gave them. And even then, it’s probably something like Snowball or Mayor Fuzzpants or Bella – names that very few humans actually have.

The John Dory is an exception.

It's like if somebody didn't play the fool sometimes.[1]

It’s like if somebody didn’t play the fool sometimes.[1]

Special powers

The John Dory has a name, social security number, and Ralphs card. It also has a false eye on the side of its body to trick predators and teachers who don’t know it’s really asleep.

Weaknesses

Its heavy plates slow it down.

The John Dory desperately wants to “go viral.” The only thing it has come up with toward this life goal is this image:

And what is .facebok?

This is the best it could come up with.

Number of legs

None.

Hollywood connections

You may not know that Zach Braff’s Scrubs character was loosely based on the John Dory.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s gonna fall for that fake-eye trick, I just know it.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

That “meme” is terrible, John Dory.

 

 

2.5/10

 

 

 

[1]That would never happen though. Bad example.

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American legless lizard

American legless lizard

Guys. Guys, can you all just this once, please please be cool? Puh-leeeeeeease. Just. Be. Cool. Okay?

The American legless lizard doesn’t know it’s a snake.

FOR ONCE.

BE. COOL.

It’s not your place or mine to tell the American legless lizard otherwise. It is our place to be cool.

Special powers

Unlike most snakes, the American legless lizard has eyelids. It likes to point this out as if it’s some kind of crucial difference that makes it not a snake. Just play along, all right?

It can detach its own tail to confound and horrify others.

As an American, it has all the freedoms granted it by the Bill of Rights. It doesn’t have to quarter anybody, and it doesn’t!

Weaknesses

The thing’s got no dang legs.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The American legless lizard shares a birthday with…

  • Jan Berenstain, children’s author. People remember the author creating the “Berenstein Bears,” but it was actually “Berenstain’s Monsters.”
  • Mia Wasikowska, who died one hundred years ago this very night and hasn’t let it slow her down.

  • Melanie Williams, the secret third Williams sister.

Importance level of its Wikipedia article

Low.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear doesn’t care about detachable tails. It considers most tails detachable.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The American legless lizard needs to stop deluding itself. But I’m overstepping my bounds even by saying that in confidence.[1] I’m sorry. I should just be cool. The American legless lizard usually is. Cool, that is.

7/10

[1]This blog is just between you and me, right?

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Roadrunner

Roadrunner

The famous musical rapper Jay-Z once said, “Allow me to reintroduce myself.” That is inevitably what I would like to do in addition as well. My name is Randall. Nathan, who usually writes this Internet site, is my older cousin. In the past I have provided guest posts as a writing exorcism so that my essays at school will be better, more improved, and get good grades.

Today, I am rating the roadrunner, which I agreed to before I knew it was another bird, which I have stated before that I do not like because they are almost always very boring. This is the roadrunner:

Remember to put a caption in

Remember to put a caption in

Special powers

The roadrunner has the fastest running speed of any bird who can also fly. I’m not a sciencetist but I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think it means there are birds that can’t fly that are faster at running. And there are birds that can fly faster, like for example’s sake the falcon, which is cool and good. For these reasons, I believe the Loony Toons cartoons are exaggerated.

Therefore, we can conclude that it is only sometimes able to trick coyotes into suicide.

Weaknesses

It can’t fly, despite being a stupid bird.

Number of legs

Two.

Number of toes

Four on each foot, half forward-ways and half backwards.

Chief imports and exports

According to the CIA Factbook, “Your search – roadrunner – did not match any documents.”

What if it fought a bear?

No offense, but so what if it did? I don’t think we should judge it because of the principal of don’t be a hater. I think if more people were as open-minded about not judging people for getting in fights, there would be less people in detention.

Is it noble?

I don’t know.

Final rating

The roadrunner may be a bird, but it at least is different enough that I didn’t realize that when I agreed to review it. This then does beg a question if Nathan decepted me on purpose. But at any rate, I will be kinder to the roadrunner in my rating than I would to a more typical and less unique bird.

In conclusion, the roadrunner is a land of contrasts.

 

 

4.5/10

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